Highschooler Deeper Kyo
by evilsockofghana
Summary: What if all the people from SDK started going to highschool in modern day Tokyo? HDK is born! Warning: The chapters are beginning to get a little raunchy, so I've set the rating higher.
1. Let's Meet Our Heroes

A small silver-haired boy wearing tighty-whities and socks was seated at the kitchen table, reading the newspaper and sipping a mug of coffee.A patch of sunlight shone onto his face from the window, making him look particularly angelic. For a while, anyway.

"Sasuke! You little punk! Where'd you hide my homework!"

The boy showed no reaction, other than to take another sip of coffee.

"Sasuke! School starts in half an hour, I need that homework! If I miss any more, I get detention! Give it back! Sasuke!"

Sarutobi Sasuke gave a small sigh and shook his head. An older boy wearing low-riders (very low-riders) and a vintage t-shirt ambled downstairs running a brush through his black hair.

"It's not nice to hide people's homework, Sasuke. And you have school too, you really should get dressed. You can't go in your underwear. If you have Tora's homework, you should give it back."

The boy shook his head. "Should, should should. You should leave me alone, Yukimura. And the freshmen don't have school today, remember?"

A girl flew downstairs. Yuya, wearing a pink skirt, blouse, and flip-flops, was trying to tie back her blonde hair and get a bowl of cereal, and it was looking like she might mix the two up horribly in just a moment. Yukimura silently took the brush from her and started on her hair so she could concentrate on her breakfast. Yuya threw him a grateful look, and then gave Sasuke one of disgust. Whed they'd all agreed to be housemates, she was willing to ignore certain habits the men had, but first morning she'd walked down and seen him like that had nearly caused an inter-housemate war, with Sasuke maintaining he could whatever he liked, and Yuya insisting that briefs did not count as clothes. Of course, with Yukimura on his side, Sasuke could get away with anything. Yukimura probably liked seeing him like that. Pervert.

Benitora. Yuya. Yukimura. Sasuke. Kyo. Three seniors, one junior, one freshman. Five housemates, all trying to live without killing each other. Three of the four males all trying to sleep with something --anything-- female on a regular basis. In the case of those both willing and desperate, something male would do too.

That last, of course, applied to Yukimura, and the something male usually turned out to have silver hair and cats-eyes, a fact which had freaked out the other housemates to an undescribed degree the first time the two of them had actually slept together. Well, first time around other people. Who knew how long they'd been having this odd affair? Knowing Yukimura, since before it was legal for them too. Luckily for the other's sanity, Yukimura was popular with the girls, so he didn't usually have to resort to that.

They all had their little quirks. Yukimura not being able to sleep if he was alone, Sasuke having an odd dislike of wearing actual clothes, Yuya sleepwalking straight down the stairs and into a hospital bed half the time, Benitora having an insistance on taking a shower at exactly three am, and Kyo constantly drinking from the milk carton, all of these had taken some getting used to. There were a lot more than just those, of course. Yukimura was a raging alchoholic, despite being underage, and was always hiding liqour around the house. Benitora could never get people to take him seriously and was a show-off and the class clown to get attention. Kyo was constantly getting in trouble at school and had a well-earned reputation for being a bully and a jerk. Sasuke was also always in trouble. He was flunking at least half of his classes, and the others were convinced he was doing it to spite the guidance counselor, who knew full well how intelligent he was.

Yuya seemed the only one without problems. Even when she missed school due to sleepwalking-related injuries, she always kept up with her lessons. She was popular and had a lot of friends. She didn't know what she was going to do next year. The three older boys graduated, and that meant staying at home all day without her to mediate. Sasuke might get held back, and if he did, he'd probably just quit school.

Those were all on the back burner, though. Right now her main problem was getting ready in time to catch her ride to school without making everybody late. Sweet Yukimura, of course, was the only one helping. Sasuke was just sitting there listen to Benitora yell himself into an apoplectic fit and who knew where Kyo was?

Legendary Kyo himself, the thousand slayer, the demon-eyes, now posessing his rightful body and going to highschool, thumped down the stairs.

"Come on, Dogface, you're making us late. Sasuke, no one wants to see that. Yukimura, pull up your pants. Benitora, your homeworks on the hall table."

Yuya and Yukimura hurriedly kissed Sasuke good-bye and they all piled out the door.

Sasuke looked in his mug.

"I'm all out of coffee." He said mournfully.


	2. Bad Boy, Sasuke!

Sasuke looked in the cubboard again. Just like last time, and the time before that, there was no coffee. He closed it, then opened it again, just to be sure. There was still no coffee. Damn it.

"How could we be out of coffee? Everyone knows I drink coffee, it's not like it's a secret, I'm always down here drinking it andIneedcoffeerightnow--"

The doorbell rang, interrupting his rant before it could turn into a full blown caffeine-deprived freak-out. He started to answer it, then remembered what Yuya had said she'd do to him if he answered the door in just his underwear again.

"Just a minute!"

He searched fantically, and finally pulled on one of Tora's shirts that was lying around. It fell almost to his knees, and he figured he was alright. He ran to the door and pulled it open to reveal a very surprised postal worker.

"Uh...package to sign for?"

John Dorringer, postal worker, blinked. The boy who had answered the door had, unless he was mistaken, silver hair and cat's eyes. It could be dye and contacts, but why wear special contacts if the only clothes you were wearing consisted of a too-large t-shirt? And he only looked about fourteen.

"Why aren't you in school?" he asked suspiciously as he held out the clipboard. The boy took it, and the offered pen, and quickly began to scratch out a signature.

"Day off."

John frowned. Wasn't there some rule somewhere about kids being alone?

"Where are your parents?"

"I don't have any."

That stopped the conversation dead. He stood there awkwardly until the boy finished signing and gave the clipboard back. He noticed the boy had written in Japanese.

This was going to be a long day.

Sasuke took the package inside. He'd made sure it would be delivered today, when the others were at school and he had off. Yuya had described in detail what she'd do to him if he ever skipped, and while he didn't really care, he didn't need people suspicious of what he'd been doing.

He ripped the paper off eagerly, and shredded the box. His eyes shone, his caffeine craving forgotten.

"I still say you shouldn't have taken that turn so fast, Kyo! And I don't care what kind of looks he was giving you! You don't have to prove anything to some random blowhard on the road!"

Yuya dug in her purse for the key. Finding it, she shoved it into the lock and twisted. The door swung open.

klok klok klok

Yukimura had a slapped look on his face. Benitora's eyes widened.

"Tell me that's not what I think it is." he said. Yuya's voice was grim.

"It is." She opened the door wider, and they all piled inside.

Since there weren't any trees inside the house that were suitable for climbing, he'd perched on the top of the stair banister instead.

klok klok klok

The old familiar noise of his kendama was back. Even dressed in shorts and a t-shirt, he seemed once again the warrior Yuya had met in the forest. His eyes widened with malice. He didn't have a weapon, but every one of them felt a thrill of fear down their spines. He opened his mouth, and they all inwardly braced themselves for darkly spoken words of death and rage.

_"We're out of coffee."_


	3. The Effects of Decaf

Authors Note: This is actually written by two authors, so there may be continuity issues. Very sorry, shall try to fix. If can't, please ignore as not really detracting from the story. I hope.

And many thanks to Shinomori Kyo, for your review! Knowing at least one person actually read this makes me all warm inside…

Bontenmaru rolled his eyes. Okuni was late, _again_. She'd probably be pissed when she got home. Maybe they'd have a fight, and everyone knew there was nothing better than make-up se--

klokklok klok

He blinked. That had sounded like it was coming from the roof. He got up from the couch to investigate, but was distracted by someone knocking at the door. He opened it to find Okuni standing there. She darted past him.

"Someone's up on the roof!" She hissed. He grunted. He was about to investigate it a minute ago, but now that she

expected him to of course he couldn't. She knew what he was thinking and pouted at him.

"You want me to marry you, right? Well, prove you can be a good husband, and protect me by investigating the strange noise in the middle of the night!" He just grunted again.

She put on some extra charm, and, grumbling, Bontenmaru clambered up onto the roof.

He squinted his one eye. Was that a shadowy figure, poised ominously on the rooftop?

klok klokklok

His eyes widened. He knew that noise! He knew that sillouhette! And, damn it all to hell, he knew the small naked boy who had just sprinted past him while giggling madly!

"SASUKE, YOU LITTLE NUDIST, WHAT IN HELL ARE YOU DOING ON MY ROOF!"

But Sasuke was no longer on the roof. He was running down the street, his insane laughter echoing up the block.

Bontenmaru climbed down to face a waiting Okuni. They stared at each other, and decided at the same time it was time to go bed and pretend that that didn't just happen.

Kyo and Benitora stared in horror at the new school uniforms.

"They can't _really_ expect us to wear that!" groaned Tora. Kyo just shook his head.

There came two sounds at once: a knock on the front door, and a crash in the kitchen.

"Sht!" This from Yukimura.

Yuya ran to the kitchen as priority. If it made Yukimura swear, it had to be _bad_. She was knocked back and almost

knocked out. She slapped a hand over her mouth.

"Yukimura! What on earth did you just spill! Clean it up, those fumes would kill a horse!"

The knock on the front door came again.

"Police!"

"FCK!"

"Yukimura!" said Yuya, flabbergasted. That stuff was probably poisonous _and_ illegal, to make him say that!

She ran to open the door. A harried looking policeman stood there.

Officer Simon Growd eyed the blonde girl who had answered the door. He checked the sheet again.

"Uh, we had a complaint in the neighborhood about an indecent exposure last night on the part of one the residents of this household. May I talk to your parents, please?"

"Fck, _fck_, FCK!" This from inside. The girl rubbed her temples.

"I'm afraid I'm really the best you're going to get. Now, what's this about an indecent exposure? Do you mean one of the boys left the shades up and the neighbors got an eyeful?"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

She blinked and turned around to look in the house. Officer Growd could only make out a few words.

"What...that? Sasuke! Well, ... .. .. ...! ... ... ... .. . save the curtains, Tora!"

That last he caught as she turned around. He cleared his throat.

"The person was described as young, posessing light hair, and running naked down the street to disapear into this house." He waited for her to respond.

"Oh, of course, that was--but are you sure he was naked? His skins awfully pale, and his underwear's white, they might have just thought that..."

She trailed off as sounds of carnage floated out from the house. There was a shout and a thunk, and a high-pitched scream.

"Yukimura!" She shrieked. She disappeared inside, slamming the door behind her.

He stared at the wood of the door.

"I guess I can let you off with a warning."

Yuya sprinted into the kitchen. Yukimura was sprawled unconscious on the floor, while Sasuke had finally stopped screaming and looked like he was going into shock. From the looks of things, he'd had an emotional break down and threw a tantrum that had wreaked the house. Kyo shook his head and silently gathered up Yukimura.

"We should probably take him to the hospital." He looked at Sasuke, who was kneeling on the wet floor with a dazed look in his eyes. He leaned over to whisper to Tora.

"We'd better keep him here while Yuya and I go to the hospital. I'll have Mahiro come over to help you clean up and see if anythings really wrong with him."

And with that they were gone. Tora looked over at Sasuke nervously.

"Hey, uh...is there anything wrong, kid?"

Sasuke burst into tears.

Benitora's eyes widened in horror. Why, oh why, did this have to happen when Yukimura wasn't around to fix it! He cautiously sidled over to the little ninja and patted him on the back, vowing to kill Yukimura when he got back from the hospital for getting knocked out by--whatever that crap was...

"...and then Haku was sick all over the rug, and I have to wear that stupid new uniform, and I'm failing all my classes, and Yukimura said he was _ashamed _of me..." Sasuke's voice trailed off into a wail. Mahiro shook her head.

"I'll stay with him, Master Hidetada, and you can clean up the house." He threw a grateful look, and actually gave her a Kyo-like grope out of gratitude as he passed by her on his way to the living room. Rubbing her rear and shaking her head, she bent down to the sobbing Sasuke. She guessed it was that last that bothered him the most, though why he'd felt the need to do _that_ to the curtains she couldn't guess...

She caught sight of a box on the counter. Squinting at it, she realized what it was and what it meant.

_Yuya had switched Sasuke to decaf._

She covered her mouth in horror.

"Heaven help us all."


	4. Yukimura's Discovery

Authors Note: Wheeeeeee! Another chapter! Domo Arigato to Sqiggles and Fearless for their reviews! When you review, we update more often! Let's see how many exclamation points I can use!

Yukimura was banging his head against the wall. Why did he have to stay at home while the others went to school?

"Argh! I'm so BORED!"

He sniffed, and recoiled. The house still smelled like pot from last night...

"Hee hee, Kyo...Kyo, I...I know how...know how...to say...uh...heh heh..." Chinmei's voice was filled with odd stops and starts. "...how to say...your _mother_...hee...is...is...is a two bit _WHORE_..." Whore was said really loudly. "in...in Ancient Egyp...Egyp...Egyptian." He looked very proud of himself.

Kyo and Sasuke, both of them just as high as Chinmei, whose height at this point had to measured in miles, burst into hysterical laughter. They were _gone_.

Sasuke shook his head and rubbed at his red eyes. He gave an oddly disturbing giggle. "Egyptian? Pssshh. Wait'll you hear..."

There were in Kyo's room, and Yuya could here them through the adjoining closet. She blinked at Yukimura, who was trying to soothe his irritated throat with tea. The fumes had caused some minor damage, and since Sasuke was still suffering from his coffee aftermaths, (Yuya had decided that he would still be drinking decaf, but she was going to wean him _slowly_) he'd been avoiding Yukimura. Avoiding everyone, in fact, and they thought he would probably keep on until the curtains were finally mended.

"Is Sasuke speaking _Greek_?" she asked. Yukimura nodded. "When did he learn _that_!"

"Well, you remember last summer, when he and I disappeared for two months?"

She stared at him. "You went to Greece?"

"I learned how to milk a goat!"

He continued to bang his head against the wall. Finally, he decided to go the kitchen as a diversion. Instead of braining himself against the wall, he could do it against the fridge. Wonderful.

Once in the kitchen, he found himself looking in a bottom cupboard they'd never really used. Sasuke's dog Haku suddenly barked behind him, and he fell forward, startled. He hit his head against the bottom of the cupboard, and to his shock, it rang hollow!

He carefully examined it, and after much searching, found the outline of a trapdoor. He jerked it up and looked down. His eyes widened with glee.

A secret basement! Looks like he wasn't going to be so bored after all...

Sasuke cautiously looked in the kitchen. Not a soul in sight. Carefully he snuck in, and that's when Yukimura suddenly stuck his head out of the cupboard. Sasuke froze.

They stared at each other as the moments passed, Yukimura dressed in pants so low and so tight that movement should have been impossible and another skin-thight vintage t-shirt, and hanging half out of the cupboard. Sasuke was wearing a white shirt tucked into khaki shorts, and looked like he'd just been goosed by Bontenmaru (which had never actually happened, but Yukimura guessed that this is what Sasuke's face would have looked like if it ever had.)

His eyes were enormous, and his mouth was hanging open.

It was Yukimura who broke the silence.

"Aw, Sasuke, you were _worried _about me while I was in the hospital!" He darted out of the cupboard in a way that defied physics, considering his pants, and snatched Sasuke up in a hug.

"Look, Yukimura, Yuya had just switched me to decaf, I wasn't in my right mind..." To his horror, Kyo _and_ Benitora _and_ Yuya had all chosen that moment to come the kitchen for a snack. Kyo snickered, and Yuya giggled. Tora just grinned.

"Aw, you really do care! Sasuke, you're so cute!" Yukimura was actually nuzzling a sweat-dropping Sasuke.

Sasuke had a sudden thought. _Why in the hell should I care what they think? I like it when Yukimura hugs me like this. It makes me think that everythings all right with the world, and that someday Yuya will let me have espressos agian. Why should I let them spoil it?_

"Tell me I'm cute again." he demanded.

Three pairs of jaws dropped. Yukimura was delighted.

"You're just the cutest thing I've ever seen, Sasuke ! "

"Tell me I'm adorable!"

"You're just as adorable as the fuzziest widdle kitten, Sasuke! "

"Go on--tell me you love me!"

"I wuv you Sasuke, and Iknow you wuv me too! "

Kyo looked liked he was about to gag. The three of them sprinted out, running as far and fast as they could until they could no longer hear Yukimura's syrupy sweet voice.

"WUV YOU!"


	5. Just another sunday

AN: I hadn't updated in so long, I thought I'd throw you guys a bone. sweatdrop Okay, there's actually like, um, over ten chapters of this written out, but, uh, I've been too lazy to update. 'nother sweatdrop By the byway, this isn't actually going anywhere. There's not really going to be an end to this, if you hadn't figured it out by now. We're just going on our merry way, and will keep writing until something happens and we stop. Heh. (There'll be another chapter in this update.)

"Saaaasukeee-kuuuun!"

"Nooo!"

Yuya sweatdropped. She didn't want to know what was happening upstairs. Ever since the lederdressen incident, the relationship between Yukimura and Sasuke had been in chaos. Sure Sasuke was part of the ten and inclined to obey Yukimura, but Yukimura had been pushing it lately, with trying to get poor Sasuke to crossdress, and cook extra fluffy pastries. Sasuke ran down the stairs and zoomed out the front door, Yukimura following closely after. Yuya always wondered how Yukimura could run in such tight pants. Today's pants were deep red jeans with a purple patch over one knee. Sasuke was wearing what looked like a soccor uniform. The door slammed, but she could still hear Sasuke's screaming. She saw Hotaru across the street attempt to spray them with a hose as they went by. She spun around when she felt a hand grab her butt through her frilly pink skirt.

"KYO!" she slapped him across the face.

"You never do that when Benitora's around! I'm going to have to start hanging around him!"

He hugged her. "Really?"

"Well then, leave my butt alone!"

Tora overheard Yuya yell "No Kyo! You can't grab those either!" He became furious, even though Yuya had finally told him she wasn't interested, and although they denied anything, Kyo and Yuya obviously had something going on.

Tora stormed out into the kitchen to find Kyo with a frying pan bent over his head and Yuya holding her chest defensively.

"Yuya-han! Are you okay?"

"Yeah Tora, I'm fine." she answered, glaring at Kyo. Kyo shrugged and went to the fridge, searching for the milk carton. He didn't bother getting a glass but instead just drank straight out of the carton. He whiped his mouth on his arm and stalked out of the room. Yuya look over at a disgusted Benitora.

"You just now noticed Kyo drinks out of the milk carton? Where have you been?"

Just another typical Sunday.


	6. Pasta!

Yuya woke up promptly at 5:45 as she always did and changed into new school uniform. It consisted of a white shirt under a grey jacket with a plaid pleated skert, blue kneww high socks, and a blue bow. She stood in front of the mirror and twirled, feeling pretty. Then she went downstairs for breakfast. Sasuke was sitting at the table in his underwear, reading the newspaper with a cup of steaming coffee.

"Sasuke-kun, you should hurry and get dressed. You're going to be late for school."

He glared at her. "I'm going to be _fine_, Ne-chan."

She shrugged. "Okay."

Yukimura came downstairs. Yuya once again wondered how he could move in his custom-tailored super tight plaid pants.

"Sasuke-kun!" Yukimura cried, giving him a hug. "Ohayo!"

"Good morning to you too, Yukimura." Sasuke grumbled. Yukimra grabbed one of the many sake bottles out of the cupboard. After a long gulp, he slammed the botle on the table.

"Damn that's good!" he yelled.

"Ookay..." said Yuya, finishing her cereal. Kyo was the only one who could legally drink, having been held back for his grades and fighting. He kept Yukimura well supplied with liquor. As everyone in the neighborhood from back then knew, Yukimura was a raging alchoholic, and Kyo thought it was funny to encourage him.

On her back up the stairs, Yuya ran into Tora, who was trying half-heartedly to tie his tie and button up his jacket at the same time, unsuccessfully. She went to her room to gather up her homework and shove it in her bag. Her room was connected to Kyo's through the closet, a fact that disturbed her greatly, especially given Kyo's perverted mind. Kyo's closet door was open, and she saw he was still asleep.

"Kyo!" she called out. He didn't wake up. She tossed her alarm clock at his head. No sooner had it hit when he disappeared from his futon.

"Good morning, dog-face." a voice next to her ear said. She felt Kyo's "good morning grope" and attempted to slap him, like she did every morning. He dodged it easily, like he did every morning.

"I'm changing." he announced. "Watch if you want."

He dropped his pants. Blushing furiously, Yuya put her homework in her bag and ran out of the room.

"Suit yourself." said Kyo, looking down at his boxers.

Yuya went back into the kitchen to find Sasuke miraculously dressed, still reading the paper, coffee mug in hand. Yukimura was no where to be seen, which was also miraculous. Kyo came downstairs, jacket unbuttoned, the top few buttons of his shirt undone, and no tie. Yuya sighed. He just had to feel all bad ass.

She saw Tora come into the room. His shirt gaped where he had missed button holes and his tie was in a knot you'd tie your shoes with.

"Who's driving today?" he asked. Sasuke looked at a dry-erase board on the fridge.

"You are." he answered.

"Damn." said Benitora. He liked sitting next to Yuya in the backseat. Of course, Sasuke was always in the middle, but it mattered not. Next to Yuya was next to Yuya, and now he wouldn't be sitting next to her. Lightbulb time.

He wouldn't be sitting next to her... unless she sat in front. Yuya looked at Kyo, who almost always sat in the back when it wasn't his turn to drive. Kyo was drinking sake. She really didn't want to be sitting next to him. Front seat time.

"I..." she started. Yukimura crawled out of the cupboard.

"I call front seat!"

"What! No way!" exclaimed Yuya. "And why on eath were you on the bottom shelf of the cupboard?"

Yukimura shrugged, Benitora was looking notably less chipper and Kyo said, "..."

They started piling in the car after Yuya lost a rock paper scissors match against Yukimura for the front seat. As they prepared to make their way out into the crowded Tokyo streets, they passed Akira on his bike.

"I still hate you, Kyo!" yelled Akira.

"..." answered Kyo. Some time later, they finally arrived at school. Yuya attempted to get out of the door and zoom away.

"Not so fast, Dog-face." Kyo said. He picked her up and threw her over his shoulder.

"KYO! PUT ME DOWN!"

"Nya." said Kyo. Sasuke tried to take advantage of the situation and zoom away in the confusion. He ran smack into Yukimura.

"Where are you going, Sasuke-kun?"

_Crap._ thought Sasuke. He got carted off over Yukimura's shoulder.

Tora watched the four waddle off.

"Looks like I got out of that one." he said. Bontenmaru popped up and threw Benitora over his shoulder and started heading towards the chool. Wtf, thought Tora, Bontenmaru-han doesn't go to school.

"Yaaay! Lunch!" Yuya cried. In her excitement, she hugged Kyo. She started backing away when she realized he would take it the wrong way.

"Oh Yuya, you do care!" Kyo said sarcastically. Tora found Kyo chasing Yuya around the roof. He joined in the chase, limping considerably. By the time anyone noticed he was hurt, Akira, Hotaru, and Chinmei had all made assasination attempts on Kyo, which was usual behavior when they weren't getting high/walking around looking kind of gay/whatever it was Hotaru did in his spare time. Yuya was the first to notice.

"Tora, what happened?" she asked. Tora glared, saying, "Bontenmaru-han carried me through all my classes and everyone thinks he's my bodygaurd.

"Okay..." said Sasuke. "That doesn't explain anything."

"Yeah it does!" Tora insisted. "As soon as Bontenmaru-han leaves to go the the bathroom, I get the shit beat out of me!"

"Sounds like fun!" said Kyo, who proceded to chase after Tora. Yuya took this opportunity to eat her lunch. Benitora ran down the stairs and Kyo gave up chase. Kyo stalked back over to where Yuya was sitting. He started poking at her food.

"You make this yourself"

"Yup."

"What'd you do, throw it up?"

"KYO!" she threw it at him.

Emerging from a mess of rice, Kyo said, "Ooh, aren't you feisty! Kinky, I like!"

"Ack! No!"

"I think so." said Kyo. Yuya moved behind Yukimura.

"Why, hello Yuya." said Yukimura with a cat face. "I never knew."

"AAH!" Yuya zoomed to Sasuke.

"Sorry, Ne-chan." said Sasuke. "Can't help you. But don't worry, you only have to worry about Kyo."

"Huh? What about Yukimura?"

Sasuke replied, "If Yukimura tried anything, Kyo would kill him."

Yuya looked over at Kyo, who was eating her lunch. "Why would Kyo care?"

Yukimura giggled like a gay fairy.

Yuya remained in confusioun until she realized Kyo was still eating her lunch.

"Hey Dog-face, your throw up is pretty good!"

"Kyo!" Yuya cried, while meanwhile downstairs, Bontenmaru hijacked Benitora.

"Where's Tora?" growled Sasuke, who was fighting off Yukimura.

"I haven't seen him since lunch." replied Yuya.

Sasuke said, "It's 7:00!" Yuya shrugged.

"Don't ask me."

Sasuke swatted at Yukimura, thinking _must...resist...lederdressen..._

"Sasuke-kun, don't you want to be... CUTE?" sang Yukimura.

"Hell no!" replied Sasuke.

"Fine then." said the other, insulted. He waltzed into the cupboard.

"Wtf?" said Yuya.

Meanwhile, Okuni walked in the front door of her house.

"Oh, Okuni, you're home!" grinned Bontenmaru. "Look what I brought home for you!"

"Oh, how cute! What a perfect addition to the living room!" Okuni and Bontenmaru carried a chained Benitora to their living room.

Meanwhile, Yukimura leaned over a stove in the secret underground basement, that, conviently, was still known only to him.

"It can't be too hot..." he muttered to himself. He put a themometer in the large pot on the stove. He looked the temperature and started backing away.

"Oh SHIT..." He said.

Meanwhile, Kyo was drooling over SDK hentai on the computer in his room when a huge explosion echoed throughout the house.

"Wtf!" He ran downstairs. Yuya and Sasuke had huge bug eyes. As the three of them watched, the cupboard door opened, releasing a large cloud of smoke.

BIIBIIBIIBIIBIIBIIBIIBII!

The fire alarm went off. Sasuke ran to open a window. Yukimuura, clothes tattered and charred, stumbled out of the cupboard, coughing. He ran into Yuya, knocking her over. He lost his balance and fell head-first into the trash can. When the smoke cleared, Sasuke found Kyo enjoying the view. When Yuya realized what he was looking at, she screamed.

Kyo said, "..." and drooled. Sasuke sweatdropped. He walked over to the trash can and helped Yukimura out.

"What were you doing in there?" he demanded. Yukimura had ono intention of telling, but he didn't even get a chance to; the fire department broke down the door.

"Ummm...We've got it under control!" said Yukimura.

A big, hairy firefighter said, "You took care of it?"

"Yeah," said Yukimura. "We had problems cooing. The...err...pasta caught on fire."

Oh. Okay." said the firefighter.

When he left, Yuya said, "Yukimura, you were cooking pasta in the cupboard?"

"Uhh...Yeah."

Yuya's eyebrow twitched. "With what?"

Yukimura was known to be a quick thinker.

"Matches." he said promptly.

"Well, no wonder you caught it on fire!" exclaimed Yuya. "Next time, do it in the kitchen, on the stove."

"Ummm...It was supposed to be a surprise?"

"For me!" Yuya squealed, eyes glittering.

"Of course." said Yukimura. Good, she was buying it.

"Oh, Yukimura, you don't have to do that!" He looked over at Kyo.

Kyo said, "..." He was no longer drooling. Nor did he have that goofy look on his face, nor was he saying "Nya!"

_Crap_, thought Yukimura_, Kyo isn't convinced_.

However, Kyo being Kyo, he didn't say anything about it. He went back to drooking over Yuya, who was so busy babbling she didn't notice Kyo looking. Yukimura looked to Sasuke who he noticed also wasn't convinced. He motherd "Don't tell" at him. Sasuke shrugged and nodded.

Later, after the smoke had cleared and Yuya had chased Kyo out side, Sasuke approached Yukimura.

"Thanks for not saying anything." said Yukimura.

"Feh." Fehed Sasuke. "I didn't know what you were doing anyway."

Yukimura turned awy.

"Wait!" said Sasuke. "I wanted to tell you I'm--" Yukimura turned back around, and evil twinkle in his eye and lederdressen in his hand. He proceded to chase Sasuke outside. The house was now empty, smoke and acidic fumes drifting lazily out of the cupboard.

Benitora, dragging chains behind him, stumbled through the broken front door. "Hello? Someone...helllllllp...meeeeeeeeeeeeeee..."

He got no answer. He dragged himself up the stairs to look for Kyo and try to get his sympathy. He used the last of his strength to drag himself in Kyo's room. Instead of finding Kyo, he found Kyo's computer, still on SDK XXX.

Benitora passed out, the happiest he'd been in his life.


	7. A Trip to the Shrink

Author's Note: Okay, this is one of the ones I, Jingles, prime author of evil sock of ghana, (my friend Buttercup and she hates that name is coauthor on this piece) wrote without any input, and I got tired partway through, and you can tell EXACTLY where I got lazy (and I mean exactly, it's that obvious) and decided to end it. I'm so sorry about that, I'll post two or three more chapters besides this one!

Now for reviews!

Whoa…Geez, Hyperkid, do we have a fan? That is so awsome! By the way, it was all those reviews that made me update! Cross my heart! Well, if you really like the story (and I can guess that you do) the best thanks I can give is more updates, so here you go!

Now on to the story…

There were clowns.

Sasuke's eyes were huge. Like any sane person, he had a rabid fear of clowns. His eye twitched. He looked up at Yukimura.

"Yukimura...do I really have to do this?" he whispered. Yukimura looked down at him with no sympathy and a huge smile.

"Of course! The school officials said they would force you if you didn't go voluntarily." He went back to his porno mag and continued drawing socks and knit hats on all the girls.

"This isn't voluntary." muttered Sasuke. When he found out which of those idiots at the school had scheduled him for a session with a psychiatrist, he was going to kill them. Slowly. With a plastic spoon. He'd never actually done that, but Hotaru assured him it was possible, and he meant to try it. He stared around the room. Not only had they sent him to a psychiatrist, but they'd sent him to a child psychiatrist. All around the waiting room were small children in various stages of insanity. He shut his eyes in horror, but he couldn't shut out the sounds...

"Mommy...are the bad men going to come again?"

"Mom, my foot's gone again!"

"Daddy, is the doctor gonna make me all better?"

"Mommy, it's all dark! Help me! I can't see!"

Sasuke shuddered. These kids are the ones that need help, not me! There's nothing wrong with me, I shouldn't be here...

"Mommy! Help me!"

Two doctors came to take the screaming boy away. They carried him down the hall as he writhed. They disappeared into a side room, and the shrieks fell silent. Sasuke was shaken. He could hear the parents muttering, too...

"What's the matter with that boy over there?"

"A juvenile delinquint, I don't doubt..."

"Isn't it shameful, how they let him in here and take up the doctor's time when my poor Sara is really very ill!"

"Shameful! The criminal..."

He was considering the benefits of leaping on them and tearing them to small shreds as opposed to the consequences, and had just decided that things might not be too bad if he just screamed at them until all the veins stood out on his face and he turned purple, when his name was called.

"Sarutobi Sasuke!"

"That's you, Sasuke!" said Yukimura cheerfully. "Come on, off you go!"

Sasuke stared at him in horror. "You're not going to be with me?" he asked in a small voice. Yukimura just propelled him down the hall and into the doctor's room.

Dr. Gabriel Seto peered at the small boy who had just entered his room and rubbed his chin thoughtfully. He glanced at his papers.

"Name?" he asked in a soothing voice.

The boy wasn't soothed.

"Sasuke. Sarutobi Sasuke." Dr. Seto was startled to see that he had cat's eyes, but decided not to say anything about it.

"And how old are you, Sasuke?"

"Fourteen, and if you treat me like I'm four I'm walking out the door right now."

Dr. Seto patted the air. "Now, now, I assure you, I will treat you like the teenager you are. I would not be a very good psychiatrist if I treated everyone exactly the same, now would I?"

Those eyes narrowed. Dr. Seto gestured at the leather couch. "You may sit down, if you like." He gave a small chuckle. "You don't have to lay down, and you won't have to look at ink blots or talk about your mother, if you don't want to." He waited until the boy was settled, then began to ask questions in his softest and most soothing voice.

"Why are you here today, Sasuke?"

"Because the school made me."

"And why would they do that? Have you been fighting?"

"Not usually."

"Then why?"

"I dunno. They didn't send Yukimura, and he's not half sane."

"Yukimura?"

"My guardian."

"And he goes to school as well?"

"Yeah, he's a senior."

"Do you live with him?"

"Him and the others."

"Others?"

"Him, me, Yuya, Kyo, and Benitora. They're all going to highschool and they're all older than me."

"Tell me about them."

The boy finally seemed to relax. "Well, Yuya's kinda mother hen, even though she's only sixteen. She sleepwalks, and sometimes she hurts herself. Benitora's in love with her, even though she doesn't like him. He's really protective. He's pretty cool, I guess, even though he calls me kid and punk all the time. Kyo is Kyo. He says '...' alot. And Yukimura's kind of weird, but he's always really nice to everyone."

Dr. Seto nodded. "And you get along with them well?"

"Yeah."

"Your guardian--is he related to you?"

"No. I don't have a family."

"Surely you must have. Is it that they've all died?"

"No. I was created by a sadistic madman named Dr. White in the outskirts of the land of the mibu. When I found out what he was and saw his lab, I killed him by denying my own existence and stabbing myself through the heart. I thought I would die, and I said good-bye to Benitora, but Yukimura finished off Dr. White and saved my life."

Dr. Seto paused.

Sasuke smirked. Let him digest that one, if he could. Teach them to send him to a psychiatrist.

"So, Sasuke, your roommates are Shiina Yuya, Oni-me-no-Kyo, Sanada Yukimura, and Tokugawa Hidetada?"

Sasuke's head jerked up. He noticed for the first time the Dr's wavy white hair, and how sharp that pen looked...

Yukimura smiled at some of the mother's who were giving him worried looks and adjusted his magazine so they couldn't see that it was porn. PrOn, he thought with a giggle. They all look so much cuter with little knit bobble hats...

"AIEEEE!" He glanced up, startled. That had sounded like Sasuke...

Yuya gave Yukimura her best glare. "Yukimura, did you kill the psychiatrist!"

"Well, they didn't find enough evidence to hold me at the police station, so technically no!"


	8. Kangaroo Song

AN:Was I high when I wrote this?

SONG SONG!

Okay, in this entry, Sasuke is jumping around like a kangaroo the whole time, so keep that in mind. Also keep in mind that he's singing this in a really sarcastic voice at first, but that he gradually starts to enjoy himself. Yeah. We know he likes this...

The Kangaroo Song

"Oo! Sasuke! Do your kangaroo impression!"

"Yukimura!"

"Come on--pleease!"

"Ugh. Fine."

"And sing the song, too!"

"..."

Hippity Hoppity, I'm a kangaroo

And if you smile sweetly, I will hop for you

I'm a kangaroo ninja, that means I know kung fu

And if you're not nice to me, I'll turn you into stew

I come from a town called Kalamazoo

I'm a wonderful ninja, the Apple of Peru

My favorite food is New Caladonian Yew

I'm a kangaroo ninja, what are you?

And if you dare make fun of me, I'll eat you with chocolate fondue

There's lots of fun things to do with a ninja kangaroo

If you happen to have paint, you can paint me peacock blue!

There's lots of other things, not polite enough to perform in full view

I'm a ninja kangaroo, and my rear has a handprint tatoo

My kangaroo girlfriend has a last name of Xu

But she found out it wasn't her handprint, so she tried to sue

But I hit her over the head with a lag screw

And I'm still a ninja kangaroo!

The End!


	9. Costume Descriptions

Hotaru was having a costume party, and everyone in the highschooler deeper kyo household had decided to coordinate their outfits, and dress as animals.

No points for guessing what Benitora dressed as. If you can't guess, you have not the read the books or seen the series. Go do so. Now.

His costume consisted of a very, very tight stripey shirt, stripey pants, also very tight, but not as tight as the shirt, and a tail. Plus, of course, the usual bandana, with small tiger ears added.

Sasuke, for reasons unknown, and that the others really wanted to remain unknown, was dressing as a kangaroo. His short-shorts were brown, as was his shirt and his smock, his tail was long, his ears were cute and furry, and his shoes had secret hidden springs in them for a quick get-away when Yukimura got drunk later (like he wasn't already drunk now) and started invading his personal space in public.

Yukimura was going as a tabby cat. His ears were enourmous, his tail was very swishy, and the tabby markings on his face were very cute. He even had little whiskers on his cheeks. He was wearing a long-sleeve shirt cut high to show his stomach, and loose tan dress pants.

Yuya was looking too adorable for words dressed as a bunny. Her nose was painted pink, and the fluffy tail above her lacy, frilly skirt was cute enough to give Lamb-chop a heart attack. Her hair was loose, and she had long white ears. She was wearing a white shirt above her white skirt, and Kyo's hands were twitching with a constant desire to grope.

Kyo himself, after much consideration, was dressed as a wolf. He was wearing a floor length coat with a thick collar to show the wolf's ruff, his nose was painted black, and his tail was thick and bushy.

The others in the neighborhood were also wearing excellent costumes. Bontenmaru and Okuni, as an engaged couple, were dressed as a playboy bunny and a Chippendale's man. (Okuni was the bunny.) For those who don't know, Chippendale's is an escort service, where you can call up and have a man come with you to a party or something so you aren't the only loser without a date. Bonten was wearing dress pants, black, dress shoes, also black, no shirt, a collar, white, and a bowtie, red. His hair was slicked back. Okuni was dressed in classic bunny style, with the ears and shoes, a red bowtie matching Bonten's, the tight body-thing they wear, and shoes with approximately ten-inch heels.

Akira had decided to go as Draco Malfoy. I really shouldn't have to describe it, but I will say that the robes looked very fetching, and he looked fully capable of shoving his wand up unmentionable places.

Chinmei was going as Willy Wonka, and if I descibe it I'll get nightmares, so just use your imagination.

Kyoshiro and Kyo had declared a truce for the night, and Kyoshiro was wearing a dog costume to Kyo's wolf. His jacket was short, and his tail curly and waggy. His ears were large, and his nose was also black.

Hotaru was dressed as Loki, the Norse god of fire. He had tall boots, brown short-shorts, a wide leather belt and a long fur cape. He also had horns. Not a helmet with horns, just horns. All agreed he looked very mischeivious.

Muramasa had also been risen from the dead for this occasion, which was rumored to be the Party of the Year, and was dressed as Apollo. He looked quite godly in his toga and strappy sandals.

Shinrei was the last guest on the list, though certainly no one dared suggest he was least. While everyone else had spent a long time thinking up appropriate costumes that were fully in character, Shinrei just went as a bowl of mashed potatoes, with a large butter-pat-hat on his head


	10. Partay!

AN: Okay, it has recently come to my attention that whenever I use a little asterick, it doesn't show up on So if there were some weird spots (and I know there were) then that's why. I'll try to fix that in this chapter.

Thanks to hyperkid and Kitreilia for your reviews! I'm dead serious, I'll never remember to update if you don't review.

Now for the Par-tay!

The party was jumping. Literally. The house had parted from it's foundations and alarmed neighbors were running for cover. No one dared called the police, however. Not after what happened last time...

They watched through closed shades as the sillhouettes of animals and gods shone through the windows and wondered what kind of pagan ritual they were performing.

"Hey, Sasuke, is it true you have a handprint tattoo on your ass?"

Silence from the party goers.

"A tattoo!" squealed Yukimura. "Sasuke, is that true!" Everyone turned to stare at him, and someone turned the music down.

"Uh...wouldn't you know?" asked Hotaru. "I mean, you and he are...uh...you know..." "His face got rather red.

Sasuke and Yukimura stared at him for a long moment. Finally, the light dawned on Sasuke.

"Oh! Yukimura, they're talking about that time we--"

Yukimura cut him off with a burst of laughter. "Oh, I remember that! It was great!"

Sasuke turned to the puzzled party goers. "See, we stole one of Kyo's XXX tapes, and I repeated all the noises they made while Yukimura bounced up and down on the bed. We did it a couple of times, actually." He sounded rather proud of himself.

For once, Kyo said something besides "..."

"I thought those noises sounded familiar." he muttered.

"You mean that was all a trick!" gasped Yuya.

"You little punk!" said Benitora in an admiring voice. Bontenmaru appeared from the kitchen and dragged him to the closet where Okuni was waiting. Yuya rolled her eyes.

"Muramasa, they've caught Tora again. Will you--?"

Muramasa gave his saintly smile. "I certainly shall! We really couldn't let them do that, could we?" He sailed down the hallway to thwart their evil plans. Yuya shuddered. She still wasn't used to him being able to read thoughts, but made a mental note to have him read Kyo's before the party was over and make sure he wasn't going to slip her something in her Shirley Temple.

"Come on, Sasuke! Is it true?"

The little ninja looked as exasperated as it is possible to when wearing an adorable kangaroo costume. He rolled his eyes. "Yes, it's true."

Gasps and yells ran through the room. "C'mon, show us!" someone yelled. It was quickly echoed.

Sasuke glared at them. "A bunch of seniors" --this at Kyo, Yukimura, and the newly emerged Benitora-- " some juniors" --Hotaru, Yuya, and Akira, who had skipped a grade-- "and a large gathering of adults" --this at people in general-- "want to personnally view a tattoo of a handprint on" --several ill-suppressed snorts of laughter-- " my fourteen-year-old ass?"

There were nods of assent.

Shrugging, he turned around, gripped a nearby table for balance, and dropped his pants.

And there, left cheek, perfectly positioned to be covered exactly by his tighty-whities, was a perfect, maroon-shaded handprint. They stared in awe.

"How did you even get that, Sasuke? You're not old eno--"

--SMACK!--

Sasuke's eyes widened to an incredible degree. He slowly looked over his shoulder at his own rear.

There were now two hand prints. One was a deep maroon, and one was a bright, angry red. His mouth worked, but nothing came out. The assembled samurai (and bounty huntress) stared in horrified fascination. He lifted his head to look at them.

"Ow." he whispered. The handprint was obviously going to bruise. The pain drained from his face to be replaced with anger.

"Who. Did. That." Anyone who wished a slow and painful death was welcome to answer.

--smack!--

Yukimura grinned as he slapped Sasuke again. "Me!"

--next five minutes deleted for swearing, nudity on the part of a minor, excessive violence, and on the general principle that if Yukimura's doing it, we don't want to be seeing it.--

Yukimura set a bound and gagged Sasuke on the floor of their room. He carefully looked across the street to make sure no one from the party was watching them, then turned around.

"Now, Sasuke, you have two choices: one, you can pose for pictures in lederhosen and with kittens," Sasuke looked like he was about to be sick around his gag. "OR you can help me raid the others' rooms."

"Wow! I never knew Yuya had this much money stashed away! How could she make that much just working at a coffee house for a year?" Yukimura was searching under her bed. He pulled out some more cash, and then a large piece of poster board.

"Nice Things about Yuya" he read. He looked puzzled.

"That's that school assignment she had to do, remember?"

"Oh yeah." he continued reading. "Yuya does not steal the blankets. --Kyo. Yuya has a great ass. --Benitora."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Well, as brave as it was for that striped idiot to actually put that down there, I can see why she never turned it in." he blinked. "And how does Kyo know that ne-chan never steals the blankets?"

They looked at each other for a moment and came to a unanimous decision never to ask. Yukimura kept looking at the poster.

"How sad! There's only two things written here! We should write some more, Sasuke! That'll cheer her up!"

Yukimura was officially an idiot. "Yeah, and tell her we were in her room! You do remember where she kicked you when you first met, right!"

Yukimura winced. "On second thought, let's leave it blank."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. He frowned as his stomach growled. Being in Yuya's room reminded him of his coffee-deprived situation. He could make some from the little non decaf left, or he could suck Yukimura into an evil plot to drive to Starbucks and get a triple-shot espresso with extra sugar and cream (sugar with the caffeine for extra kicks).

Kyo stared out the window. He could see two dark figures approaching the car. His car. They weren't.

The taller one jumped in the driver's seat. They were. He raced out the door to administer swift slaughter.

Billy Idol's Mony Mony started playing. "Oh, I love this song!" yelled Kyoshiro.

"Me, too!" answered Benitora. They leapt into the middle of the room and started dancing together. The Mashed Potatoes, The Robot, The Egyptian Walk, nothing was safe...

The party dissolved when Yukimura and Sasuke made it back. Kyo was laying in ambush. Even Oni-me-no-Kyo, however, was no match for Sasuke on espresso. The screams and cackles from outside finally frightened the neighbors enough to call the police, and after stopping four assasination attempts on Kyo and rescuing Benitora from Bontenmaru, everyone ended up at home. Or almost everyone...

John Murray, gas station attendant, looked up from his girly mag to find a weird guy dressed in a toga staring at him fixedly.

"Will you kill me, please? I'm supposed to be dead."


	11. A Visit from the Plumber

AN: YES! REVIEWS! Awww, we're finally at the point where I actually have to write the next chapter, instead of just copying and pasting from where it is on our other site…L Great, now I actually have to do work… But your reviews make it all worthwhile! And, amazingly, no flames! Wow! But now I have nothing to toast my marshmallows on…

Hyperkid: Your reviews inspire me. They really do. And yes, I (Jingles) have seen Dogma. Very, very funny. (Says in monotone: "I am the Medatron…") And if you have an idea for a costume for Shinrei, we'd love to hear it! We just couldn't think of one!

freya kurenai: Not being a coffee drinker myself, I'm taking other people's word for it about the decaf. But Sasuke, who I have tied up in my closet (traded Yukimura a bottle of rum for him, long story, don't ask) assures me it is as nasty as you say.

kyougu-neko: Why, oddly entertaining is our middle name! Our specialty! And yes, we are going to keep this going for as long as we can keep ourselves out of the loony bin. (Dr. White was our psychiatrist until Yukimura killed him…don't know where we'll go for help now…) We have ideas for at least three more chapters, and two more that are half written. (One of which is going up in this very update!)

Kitreilia: The Willy Wonka costume was a stroke of genius, I assure you. A gift of hilarity from the very heavens… Hey, you review a lot too! Keep it up, when you review, we update!

"Hotaru...?" Yuya asked. The man at the door shook his head. He looked suspiciously like Hotaru, in a boring grey-brown uniform, with the words "Haikanko Plumbing" in red on the front pocket, an odly out-of-place black mustache, and slicked back orange hair. He held a plunger in his left hand, held in front of him like a sword.

"But... We didn't call a plumber," Yuya said. Hotaru, who had been listening to all phone conversations on the Sanada line for six months, wondered what Yuya was talking about. (Yukimura had decided that his last name would be used when referring to the household.)

Benitora popped up behind Yuya. "Oh, there you are!" he exclaimed. "Did Yuya-han hold you up? Hurry! The toilet's gonna blow!" The plumber came in, and as Yuya turned around, she just missed a fat man in his underwear falling headfirst out the back of the plumbing ruck, looking silver in his duct tape binding.

Tora lead the plumber upstairs, not noticing the plumber's unnerving interest in the open bedroom doors as they passed. Tora stopped in the bathroom doorway. The toilet inside was gushing disclored water like a geyser, and seemed to be pulsing to a not so random beat.

The plumber said, "Is that toilet singing?" "Yeah," said Tora. "It sounds like 'Banana Phone' in D-minor." The plumber backed up into the hallway.

"Where are you going?" asked Tora.

"Umm... I think the pipes in the halls of these rooms might be plugged."

"Okay." Tora followed the plumber into Yuya's room.

Yuya had been following them the whole time and now dragged Tora downstairs. "Leave the plumber alone and let him do his job!" she nagged.

Yukimura, soaked in water the same shade as the water spewing out of the toilet, jumped out from behind a painting of a pagoda in the hallway, muttering to himself that the shouldn't have messed with the pipes.

Meanwhile, Hotaru, in Sasuke and Yukimura's room, noticed that the pipes in the walls indeed were plugged when one burst, spraying him, and the room, with tinted water, bits of plastic, and a large wooden spoon. Recovering from his shock (now with a red spoon shape on his forehead), he told himself to remember what he was there for. He reached into his bag and pulled out a camera. He installed it into the vent where he hoped it wouldn't be found.

Ducking under the stream of strangely scented water, he went on to the next room. The walls were pink. The bed was a mess of pink with white lace. The dresser was white with pink handles. Even the carpet was white, and frilly white lacy curtains covered the windows. Beneath the piles of random clothing were hidden money stashes. This was definately Yuya's room. He put a camera in her vent as well, and walzed into Kyo's room through the open closet doors.

The first thing he noticed was Kyo's screensaver. It was alternating between various SDK XXX pictures, a picture of Kyo triumphantly holding a bikini top at a pool, with Yuya trying to cover herself and retrieve her swimsuit top at the same time, unsuccessfully, and a picture of Kyo hugging her, and she had a very surprised look on her face.

Someone's finger, in the bottom of the picture, cut in on Kyo's wildhair touchy-feely moment.

Stepping over clothes and other questionable items all over the floor (a frilly thong, a couple of half-empty packs of cigarettes, lederhosen, an oddly out-of-place briefcase, a bong) he reached a tower of beer bottles. Hotaru was amazed at the idea of Kyo having a hobby. He put a camera in the tower, and one in his vent for good measure.

He then walked back across the hall into Sasuke and Yukimura's room, this time turning his attention to Yukimura's side. Rock posters on the walls, a playboy calendar to rival Kyo's, a sewing machine he guessed Yukimura used to alter his pants, a basket of sleeping kittens on the bed, sake bottles all over the floor. He noticed none of them quite spilled over to Sasuke's neat and impersonal side of the room. Hotaru installed a camera in his vent too, and was about to leave the room when a voice asked him what he was doing. Hotaru turned slowly and screamed like a queer leprechaun. Bontenmaru's head had surfaced among the kittens, one still asleep on his head.

"I'm um... checking pipes..." stammered Hotaru.

"Oh. Okay," said Bontenmaru. He resubmerged into the mass of kittens.

Hotaru ran out of the room, and into Tora's. He stuffed a camera into a tiger plushie and dashed back out of the room, only to be assaulted by a parade of squaredancing hippos. He screamed a scream even the queerest leprechaun would envy.

Yuya also screamed when a fat man, wearing nothing but whitey tighties and duct tape, broke down the door.

"I AM THE REAL PLUMBER!" he bellowed, and dashed upstairs with a golden plunger, emitting a holy glow.

The neighbors Chinmei, Okuni, and Kyoshiro crowded in the doorway. Chinmei sniffed the air.

"I thought only I knew how to make that!" He dashed inside and up the stairs. Yuya caught Yukimura chasing after Chinmei, screaming "No no no! That's mine you can't have any!" before he disappeared upstairs.

A gurgling noise announced the sink had fallen prey to the odd liquid in the pipes, and an explosion immediately following marked the death of a dishwasher.

Yuya ran outside when she heeard yet another scream. A police officer had Kyoshiro on the ground, screaming to stop resisting Mr. Demon Eyes Kyo. Another cop informed Yuya that the fumes drifting out of her house were definately from something illegal in every country in every continent, including Antarctica.

Just then the real Onime No Kyo came home from his routine trip to the topless bar. He asked the cop on the grond why he was molesting his nemesis, causing the cop to attempt to tackle him, shouting, "It's no use Mr. Demon Eyes! Give yourself in!" Kyo sidestepped and the cop did a bellyflop on the front lawn. Kyoshiro sneaked away.

Kyo cut in front of the standing cop and attempted to smooch Yuya. She screamed and ducked. Bad idea. Kyo tried to follow her down but lost his balance, bringing her and the cop down with him. They became a wriggling mass while the other cop made donuts in the grass with his chest hair.

Meanwhile, Chinmei and Yukimura fought over whatever illegal substance Yukimura had attempted to shove in the pipes.

Sasuke had awoken from his nap when the water level engulfed his little bed. He went into hysterics, for now his non-decaf coffee horde was surely ruined.

Tora watched all this, floating on a wooden spoon over the waterfall down the stairs.

Hotaru was high out of his mind and squaredancing with an invisible partner.

Meanwhile, the plumber, the real plumber, stood in the devestation in the bathroom. He held the golden plunger over his head and shouted, "Moon Plumbing Power! Make Up!" He then turned int Sailor Haikanko, protected by the Plumber's Guild.

Sailor Haikanko did a bizzarre pose holding his golden plunger daintily, and warbled, "Golden Plunger Healing!"

150 pounds of whatever Yukimura's illegal substance was came flying out. Spinning like a crazy rabis ballerina on drugs, Sailor Haikanko wailed, "Plumbing Crisis Restoration!" The water began gushing in the opposite direction, back down the toilet and drains. A dramatic wind blew from nowhere.

"My job is done here," Sailor Haikanko breathed. He immediately ran and jumped out the nearest window.


	12. Special Episode

SPECIAL EPISODE!

If you'll recall, there was a moment during the party when two people disappeared for a while. What were they doing? We are about to find out...

Sasuke grabbed hold of the handle above his door, screaming with joy. Yukimura grinned from the driver's seat, but the wind from the open windows stole whatever he was about to say. Sasuke wouldn't have heard him over the blaring music, anyway.

They had not only broken the speedlimit, but most likely the speed of sound and possibly light, as well. They were approaching warp drive. This was obviously the result of all of those mysterious packages that Kyo had been recieving. They had suspected he was souping up the car, but this was the first time any of them had witnessed it first hand.

Sasuke was hanging on for dear life, filled with ecstasy and certain that he was going to be hoarse tomorrow from all the screams he couldn't even hear. Yukimura pushed down the gas pedal and they went even faster.

Warp speed achieved!

Yukimura halted the car and switched the engine off. Yukimura and Sasuke stepped out and shut the doors.

"Where are we?" asked Sasuke in a whisper. Yukimura's giggle was a little nervous as he glanced around at the dark, forbidding forest he'd just landed them in.

"Isn't it obvious? We're in Aokigahara." Sasuke looked around with wide eyes.

"O--kay...when are we?" Yukimura shrugged. Just then, they heard a noise--a small persistant squeak, almost like the wheels of a cart drawn by an annoyed Benitora.

"Hey," said Sasuke. "That sounds almost like the wheels of a cart drawn by an annoyed Benitora."

They looked at each other. "RUN!"

They sprinted for the bushes, but Yukimura tripped over his tail and they both came tumbling down. Sasuke landed on top of Yukimura, who giggled.

"Goodness, Sasuke, I never knew you felt this way!" Sasuke shuddered and leapt off. He jerked Yukimura to his feet and they both made for the car. Too late.

Benitora was supremely annoyed. "Hey, you stupid punk, who said you could ride!" Sasuke glared at him.

"I--" His jaw dropped and his eyes widened. He immediately started to stutter. "I-I-I--"

Tora blinked. "What's with him?" he muttered. He turned and noticed the shocked looks on everyone elses faces. He blinked again, and then turned around to look in front of him.

Standing there were a much younger Yukimura and an older Sasuke, both dressed up in wierd costumes. They stared at each other. Then they stared some more. And, just to shake things up, they stared even more. Whole lotta starin', goin' down right here in Aokigahara. Some crickets chirped. Future Yukimura (FY) gave a nervous giggle. "Wow, I didn't know there were crickets in Aokigahara!" He tried to heart, but it wouldn't come out. Future Sasuke (FS) made the Spock sign with his hand.

"We come from the future." he intoned. Tora narrowed his eyes. (Or tried to. No one with eyes that squinty can actually narrow them further. Studies have proven it, and it's now scientific fact. So though his brow furrowed, his eyes did not actually change at all.)

Kyo pulled his katana out. "I'll take of this." he muttered. Past Yukimura (PY) darted in front of him. He'd recognized his younger self and really didn't want to find out what would happen if was killed.

"Wait, Kyo, I recognize him. And him. They're Sasuke and I, somehow..." Kyo narrowed his eyes. (He could manage this because his eye's weren't all squinty like Tora's.)

FY rolled his eyes. "I already told you, we're from the future. Long story short, after you're done here you all turn into teenagers and start going to school in the future." He walked over to his younger self. They glared at each other, and then started circling slowly. FS gave PS a poke on the shoulder and then darted away before he could react.

"Hmph. I was kind of puny at that age." PS sputtered. "Wh-what! Come back here and say that! I'll kill you!"

Ignoring them, Benitora turned to FY. "Hey, if you're from the future, you know what's going to happen to us, right?"

FY nodded gleefully, his cat ears flopping around.

PY looked worried. "Hey, I'm not so sure about this! What if something happens?" FY giggled madly and flipped his wrist in a way that had to be seen if you are to believe the gayness. PY turned a bright shade of red. "Oh, don't be such a--a--" He had to stop and think.

FS spoke up from where he was pinning PS to the ground and mercilessly grinding his face into the dust. "I know what you wanna know, Tora. You and Yuya never hook up. She and Kyo have some weird thing going. You get lots of girlfriends at school, though."

Tora looked downcast as PY lifted FS off of PS. FY started prancing on all fours, waggling his butt to make his tail switch. He hopped right in front of Kyo, who pulled a foot back to kick him. PY immediately dropped FS and scrambled over to save his younger self.

FS hopped easily to his feet and nudged his own younger self with his foot.

"Man, I really was small at that age. No way those clothes would fit me now."

PS lifted his head and rubbed dirt and dust of his face. "Yeah right! You are NOT that much bigger than me!"

"Alright, let's just see about that!"

PY looked up from his sake just in time to see both Sasuke's standing completely naked. He spat sake all over future self, who immediately attempted to lick it off cat-fashion. He looked up from that to make large sheep-eyes at FS.

"Wow, Sasuke, when have you been finding the time to work out? You look really great!"

Both Sasuke's looked ill, and they quickly dressed again, PS in the kangaroo outfit and FS in his old clothes. He examined himself.

"Huh. Guess they do still fit." His stomach rumbled loudly, and his eyes took on a sheen of insanity. He grabbed FY arm and jerked him toward the car.

"Starbuck'sespressocoffeecaffieneNOW."

FY waved out the window as he stomped on the gas pedal.

Doreen stared at the boy in front of her. "Um, I'm sorry, but that won't all fit in the cup."

He shrugged. "Then put it into two cups." He said carelessly. He was wearing old-fashioned clothes. Old-fashioned as in reminiscent of the feudal age of Japan. The period about four years after Sekigahara, maybe? That was just her guess, though.

She quickly filled out his order and handed it to him. Two cups filled to the brim with espresso and topped with heavy whipped cream. Fattening, unhealthy, heart-stopping.

The boy looked rapturous.

He took the cups from her and chugged them both, one after the other. After a short sigh, he wiped his mouth and handed her the necessary money.

"Yukimura!" he shouted, as he felt the caffeine hit his bloodstream. "Let's head home!"

They both piled in the car, unaware of Kyo's ambush...


	13. A Date at the Movies

Incoming Authers Note! Duck!

Well, I'm sorry about how long it took to update. There will be at least two new chapters today, maybe three. Maybe even four, if I don't get lazy! But at that point, I'll have to stop and search for some new ideas. Maybe a crossover is an order…

Some hours after the Sailor Haikanko incident, the police long gone, along with whatever Yukimura had tried to shove in the pipes (they had let him off with a warning), Yuya assaulted Kyo with questions about why he had tried to kiss her. He only said "..." and went up to his room. Hotaru had somehow snuck away, and the cameras were now active. Kyo's secret was now out, no not that he goes commando, everyone knows that one, and Hotaru eenie-miney-moed a thousand times to figure out if he should tell someone.

Benitora went outside to his scheduled jumprope match with the neighborhood girls but was hijacked by Bontenmaru on the way.

Yuya sat in her room, trying not to listen to the thumping noise coming from the wall between her room and Kyo's, and right about now Hotaru regretted installing that camera. The worst part part was, judging by Kyo's face, he knew the camera was there. Hotaru quickly switched to someone else's room, and when he returned to Kyo's, a sign was covering both cameras' veiws. They said, "I'd make a great porn star!"

The next day in third hour, a note konked Yuya on the head. She was in a junior class, and because of how many times he had been held back, Kyo was in junior English too. She looked at him. He was leaning back in his chair, spitting bits of paper towel at the girl in fron tof him through a straw. She looked over at her other friends, but they weren't paying attention to her. Who was the note from? She unfolded it and struggled to read the handwriting on it.

Three girls screamed when Shiina Yuya fainted. Kyo, from his corner of the room by the windows, said, "..."

At lunch, Yuya sat under a tree with her friends Chiaki and Haruka. "Hey, Yuya-chan, what's wrong?" asked Chiaki. Yuya blushed, handed her the note, and turned away. After extreme difficulty in reading the scribbled note, Chiaki and Haruka started squealing. "Oh Yuya-chan! Someone asked you out!" "I know," said Yuya, bright red. "But who?" While the groupie discussed who could possibly have such bad handwriting, an ominous figure watched them from the trees.

Later, outside a movie theatre, Yuya glanced down at her note. She was sure that this was the right theatre, and this was the right time, but so far the only guy she'd seen was Kyo. He was sitting on a railing, looking in her direction every now and then. She went and sat next to him. "What are you doing?" he asked. "Waiting for someone," she answered. A dramatic wind blew just then, and tiny plaid ninjas fought each other in the bushes. "Same here," said Kyo. The dramatic wind again. Floral Ninja danced somewhere in the bushes. Yuya remembered where she had seen that handwriting before. The dramatic wind blew once more, trying ever so hard to make Yuya realize this was a dramatic moment. Somewhere in the bushes, tiny plaid ninjas were squashed by a squirrel. Yuya faced Kyo. "Was that note from you?" Kyo answered, "..." and got off the railing. "Kyo?" Yuya jumped down. He started walking toward the ticketstand. Yuya ran after him.

Meanwhile, Benitora sat in an oversized aquarium, looking at the alfalfa pellets Okuni had given him to eat. He tried to convince himself it would be just like eating a salad. "Tigers don't eat salad!" he wailed. He drank some water out of a tube hanging in the aquarium and burrowed in the wood shavings, still hungry.


	14. Okuni's New Pet

Yuya's blood went cold. She realized she was in a dark movie theatre with Kyo. She knew she had a thing for him, and several girls at school would kill to be where she was now but... The idea of going out with him was kinda scary. Especially right now. She glanced at him. He looked innocent enough at the moment but experience told her not to be fooled by that face. She knew he was planning something. He was too interested in the previews. Any moment now he would commence with his evil plan. Why, he was even looking at her now-- "Dogface?" She was pulled back into reality. "You okay?" he asked. "Oh. Yeah. Sorry." she muttered, looking down. "Did you want me to go get some popcorn?" She was shocked. "Um, sure." He got up and made his way down the row. Wow, she thought. When Kyo isn't being an egotistical perverted buttface, he can actually be a nice guy.

Meanwhile, Tora was wondering wtf was going on. Random people were coming in and oohing and aahing at him in his giant aquarium, then handing money to Okuni to take pictures, and leaving again. He heard Bontenmaru shout outside, "Come see the former Red Tiger, Benitora! For only $5, have your picture taken with him! It makes a great gift!" Okuni squealed, "We're going to be rich!" This doesn't bode well, thought Tora, and he tried to hide in the wood shavings, realizing he had to use the bathroom. The flow of people didn't diminish, and the last thing he needed was someone taking a picture of him straining.

Back at the theatre, Kyo returned with popcorn. The movie was just starting, some samurai movie. Yuya frowned. The main character looked very familiar. "Kyo, is that you?" Kyo grinned, looking quite proud of himself. She was more than a little weirded out. She would have said more, but several people had turned around to glare at her. So she glared back, and they turned back around. She wondered when the hell Kyo had had time to film this.

By the end of the movie, she was immensely weirded out, not only because she now knew what Kyo looked like with a ponytail, or that he was a mediocre actor but looked great without a shirt, but because he had not made any attempts to grope her, instead deciding to hold her hand. Not that she minded, but still, it was very unusual for him not to try and grab something, especially in a place like this. Hand in hand, they left the theatre and headed toward Kyo's car. On the way home, she kept expecting him to try something. He never did. They drove down their street. Yuya exclaimed, "Wtf is going on at Bonten-san's house?"

Tora was having a really bad day. He had given up trying to get Okuni's attention, and he really needed to poo. He looked mournfully out into the crowd, and recognised Kyo and YuyaHan. "Yuya-han! Save me!" he cried. Then he noticed something. Yuya-han was holding Kyo's hand. Tora, horrified, passed out.

Okuni shrieked and tried to shoo everyone out of the room. "Bonten!" she cried. "Come here, quick!" He rushed into the room to see Benitora passed out and twitching violently. "This is bad for business!" Okuni wailed. "Don't worry honey, we'll take him to the hospital and fix him up, and then we'll bring him back home and everything will be good as new!" Okuni started crying. "But we only made $3000 today!" Yuya thought it was time to cut in. "Bonten, what the hell is going on? Why do you have Tora in a giant aquarium, like some kind of gerbil?" "You see, Yuya-chan," began Bontenmaru, "when a man loves a woman, he'll do anything to make her happy." "How the hell does that have anything to do with Tora and a giant aquarium?" Bontenmaru shrugged. "It was the only way I could think of to get Okuni a pet, a hobby, and extra money all in one." "Benitora's foaming at the mouth," Kyo commented. "Oops, looks like we'd better get him to the emergency room," Bonten said. "We'll finish this conversation later." He opened a door in the side of the aquarium and dragged the twitching man inside out the front door and into their SUV, Okuni bitching all the while about ruining her diet. Yuya turned to Kyo, who was eyeing a metal suitcase Okuni had left behind, stuffed full of money. "Hungry?" he asked, gesturing towards the suitcase. "Eh?" said Yuya.

Meanwhile, Yukimura answered his cell phone to get uite a shock. "S-Saizo?" He left his checkers game with Sasuke to go to another room and talk. Sasuke's eyebrow twitched. He thought he had made it clear to Saizo that Yukimura only wanted one ninja in his life. Perhaps he would have to make it clear-er. He grabbed his kendama and left the house.


	15. Shhh! Behind Closed Doors

warning: this chappy will contain suggestive themes. in other words, this is where it earns that teen rating. don't worry though, if you've read to here, it probably won't be any worse than anything else so far!

it also goes by anime canon, just to warn you. if you've only read the book, you might be confused. i'd say spoiler, but i only make reference to the first episode, so...yeah. just skip this chapter if you like. any future references to it will likely be vague and vulgar, so you're probably good.

Sasuke darted from shadow to shadow, silent and unseen. He glanced up the street, and then back behind. No one was there.

Good.

He slipped into a pitch-black alleyway, and then leapt out of his skin as a hand grabbed him around the ankle. Another hand was slapped over his mouth, and he gave a start as he recognized the bandages. He pulled the hand enough away from his mouth to speak.

"Kotaro-kun!" he whispered hoarsely. "What are you doing here?"

"I could ask the same of you!" the shadow ninja hissed back. He looked around. Fog curled over the streets, lit by the lone streetlamp outside the apartment building they were standing by. The asphalt glistened with what little moonlight made it through the thick smog cover. "This is not a good place to be!"

Sasuke pulled away and spun around angrily. "I grew up in Aokigahara, same as you! I think I can handle myself!"

Kotaro shook his head. "As for what I'm doing here, I live here. But you live in a better neighborhood than this! Why are you here?"

Sasuke crossed his arms over his chest and backed up, hoping Kotaro wouldn't notice that he had a circle of rope on his back, along with a pack full of rather nasty items. Kotaro narrowed his eyes. Sasuke had to think quickly.

"Uh, I'm here to see Saizo." His friend's eyes narrowed further, till they were about as squinty as Tora's.

"Coming to see him with rope and multiple torture implements?"

Sasuke growled. "Look, I told him Yukimura-sama only needed or wanted one ninja around, but he still called again yesterday!" He pulled his kendama out and waved it around menacingly. "I'm just here to make sure we're still clear on that point."

Kotaro stared at him with disbelief. "You mean you're stalking Saizo, and are going to capture and most likely torture him, just because he called Yukimura yesterday! He used to work for the man! He's allowed to want to talk to him once in a while!"

Sasuke shook his head. "Oh, he wants more than to talk. And I already made it clear that Yukimura-sama's not interested!"

Kotaro faceslapped. "I can't believe I'm hearing this. You're fighting over Yukimura!" He stopped. An evil grin grew on his face. "You're fighting over Yukimura! If you want to keep Saizo away, that means you want..." He let his sentence trail off suggestively. Sasuke backed up in horror until he hit the wall of the building.

"Wh-what are you talking about?" Kotaro giggled.

"Look, if that's what you want, Sasuke-kun, I have a better idea..."

Saizo swallowed nervously. When Sasuke had showed up at his door two hours ago, he'd nearly had a heart attack. The little ninja (with the help of Kotaro) had quickly reassured him, however, and he'd heard their plan out.

So here they were, at the Sanada house, carrying out their dastardly deed...

"What are you guys doing?" Saizo and Sasuke jumped. "Uh, nothing!" said Saizo immediately. He turned around to see Kyoshiro standing there. "What are you doing here, Kyoshiro!"

"I'm actually coming to raid their pantry. I'm completely broke, and Yuya told me I could have some canned goods, but I'd rather, uh, you know, not display my penniless condition."

Yukimura popped up from behind the two ninja. "Ah, it's okay, Kyoshiro! Everyone's down on their luck sometimes!

Here, have some sake!" He said cheerfully, and then hearted as he held out a bottle to Kyoshiro with bound hands.

Kyoshiro eyed the ropes as he took a swig of sake. "Hey, you guys, far be it from me to ask what you're doing here in the middle of the night with Yukimura tied up, but...what are you doing here in the middle of the night with Yukimura tied up?" Sasuke tried to think of an explanation, but it was Yukimura that was the fast thinker, and he was too drunk to help now. "Uh...we..."

Kotaro's voice floated through the open front door. "C'mon, you guys! What's taking so damn long! Just grab him and let's go!"

Kyoshiro's eyes widened. He decided this was urgent enough to risk Kyo's wrath. He sucked in a deep breath. "Kyo! Get down here! Now!"

Sasuke and Saizo screamed in horror. They started hauling Yukimura toward the door, but he wasn't cooperating.

Kyoshiro still had his bottle of sake, and he wanted it back. He was not going anywhere without it.

"Onime-no-Kyo! Get down here! THERE IS A KIDNAPPING IN PROGRESS, NOW GET DOWN HERE YOU MORON!"

Kyo appeared at the top of the stairs, along with Yuya and Tora. (They'd taken him home again after he'd escaped from the hospital.) Yuya blinked and rubbed her eyes. "What's going on here?" she asked sleepily.

Kyo took the scene in at one glance. He narrowed his eyes. His rival could be dealt with later. Now, he must protect his household. He vaulted down the stairs. In desperation, Sasuke threw his kendama at his feet.

The legendary thousand-slayer, demon eyes Kyo himself, got the string of Sasuke's kendama tangled around his feet and fell down the stairs.

He slammed right into Kyoshiro, and just then a bright light flashed...

"Oh..." Kyo groaned. He rubbed his head. "What happened?" He paused. Hadn't he been wearing black pj pants to bed? Why was he now in a white jogging suit? He blinked. In front of him on the floor was a body. A body with long red hair, and black pj pants, lying facedown on the floor...

Yuya's voice sounded from behind him. "Well, there go Sasuke and Saizo. Looks like Kotaro was driving their getaway car. We'll have to get the others to help us catch them. They escaped in the light from that weird shooting star..."

Benitora turned around and screamed.

Sasuke swallowed. They'd finally gotten Yukimura back to Saizo's place, and he was now lying on the floor giggling to himself. He glanced at Saizo nervously. Butterflies were fluttering in his stomach. Now that he finally had the chance, he couldn't seem to work up the nerve to do anything...

Kotaro solved that problem. He shoved both Sasuke and Saizo so that they fell straight onto Yukimura, who giggled again and wrapped one arm around each of them.

"Very nishe to be with you guysh here..." He slurred. Sasuke looked at Saizo, whose face was bright red. Kotaro rolled his eyes. "Geez, do I have to do everything for you guys?" He started to reach down, but Sasuke slapped his hand away.

"I think we can manage." was all he said.

Kotaro grinned. He slipped out of the apartment, hearing Yukimura behind him as he left.

"Ooh, Shashuke! I thought you didn't like doing thish kind of thing!"

"Yukimura-sama!"

"Oh, relax, Shaizo! Shee, Shashuke likesh it!"

"Yukimura!"

Kotaro shook his head. Yes, he thought to himself, they certainly could manage.

Tora stepped dripping out of his customary two am shower. He rubbed his eyes, exhausted from the aquarium and subsequent hospital stay. He toweled off and then stumbled down the hallway, wearing nothing but the towel around his waist.

He rubbed his head tiredly and threw the towel on the floor once he reached his room. He was too tired from being locked in an aquarium all day to bother putting his pj's back on. He climbed into bed.

There was someone in it already.

"Yuya?" he said hopefully. He reached out and poked the someone. It squirmed and groaned in a decidedly masculine voice. Not Yuya. Tora narrowed his eyes. (Well, we've been over this before. He didn't narrow his eyes, because that's impoosible, but he did kind of wrinkle his forehead.) He thought hard. Sasuke and Yukimura were both gone, so that left...

"Kyo!"

The disturbingly masculine voice mumbled to itself, and then a pair of arms grabbed Benitora and dragged him down. "Tora-kun!"

"Kyoshiro!" Tora sweatdropped as Kyoshiro began to nuzzled his neck sleepily. "Uh, Kyoshiro, I'm kind of, um, naked here...so..." Kyoshiro indicated that he knew quite well that Tora was in the nude.

Tora squealed.

Yuya blinked at Hotaru.

"Well, it was awfully nice of you to come over and cook breakfast for us, Hotaru, but don't you think this is just a tad spicy?"

Hotaru wrinkled his nose, and was about to reply when Kyo walked in, in Kyoshiro's body. He rubbed at one hip thoughtfully.

"My butt hurts." he said. Tora began to sweat, and Yukimura chuckled knowingly to himself. Hotaru made a face.

Kyo sat down at the table, still rubbing his hip. "No, it really hurts!" Tora ducked underneath the table. Yukimura chuckled some more, and Hotaru made a worse face, thinking ruefully of the camera he'd snuck into one of the stuffed tiger plushies in Tora's room. He was really regretting that now.

Kyo's head lolled to one side, and his eyes turned blank. With a pop, Kyoshiro appeared. He grinned happily, and turned around to where Tora was sweating actual .22 caliber bullets and trying very hard to perfect the ancient art of disappearing into nothingness within the next three seconds.

"Hey, Tora! I had fun last night!"

Hotaru promptly sprinted out of the room and back across the street in nothing but his rather thin and decidedly see-through pajama's. The poor neighbors, already traumatized to the point of being hardened to such sights, barely twitched. Barely.

Yuya's eyes teared up. She promptly smacked Kyoshiro so hard he fell to the floor in a heap. "Kyoshiro! How could you?" she squealed.

With another pop, Kyoshiro became an aggravated Kyo. "What are you doing, woman!" he demanded. Yukimura chuckled again.

"Oh, she was mad at Kyoshiro. He and Tora--" Yuya stormed out of the room, dragging Yukimura behind her.

Kyo looked at the sweating Tora, then down at his hips. He looked at Tora, then twisted his head around to stare at his own ass. He narrowed his eyes. (Which he can actually do, because his eye's are considerably less squinty than Tora's.) He started to look up at Tora again, but couldn't because Tora had just sprinted out of the room and out of the house, screaming that he'd been seduced.

The neighbors twitched again.


	16. I Just Love Slo mo

AN: Yeah, this is my coauthor's chapter. And boy, did she write a doozy. At this point I think we're competing to see who can write the weirdest chapter that the other one has to deal with continuing…I'm pretty sure she might have won with the ending she put on this…

Yuya was crying. She was sitting on the floor of the shower, the water on cold, and going just a wee bit emo. But why was she crying? Because Kyoshiro was butt buddies with Tora? Why did she care? She hadn't had a decent conversation with Kyoshiro in months. Not to mention he had learned to keep his distance from her in case he got tied up and hung from a tree over a roaring fire again.

She stopped crying long enough to hear Yukimura's voice. He had been out of the house for some days now, not wanting to deal with Kyo's furious questioning about what his nemesis had been doing to the body he had to share. Perhaps he also didn't want to hear how Kyo wasn't nearly as proud of Kyoshiro's body as he was his own, but that's a discussion for elsewhere.

"Don't worry, Sasuke-kun, Tora won't do anything to you. Just make sure you stay out of his room and you'll be fine!"

Yuya immediately decided she didn't want to know, and buried her head in her arms. Some minutes later, she noticed something wasn't quite right. The water. It was green. And oddly scented.

Yukimura raised his nose and started sniffing the air. Oh crap. That's right. Yuya was in the shower... which coincidentially also happened to be his latest hiding spot. Her shriek and a thumping noise was all the initiative he needed to sprint to the bathroom.

Kyo, who was currently in control, had been standing and sniffing the air coming out of the bathroom while "..."ing in a worried sort of fashion, and when Yuya fell, he was the one to bust the door down to see her high out of her mind and near to drowning in the odd water.

Instantly, two voices in his head fought. One said, Kyo! Get her out of there! Shes drowning! She's going to get hypothermia! She needs to get out of that position! while the other said, Boobies! Yukimura saw first hand which side won when Kyo walked dramatically in slow motion, carrying Yuya, out of the mist of the bathroom. The shower exploded in slow motion behind them, spraying them and the hall in green water.

Yukimura rushed into the bathroom, while Sasuke, voice oddly low pitched and distorted due to the slow motion, cried, "NOOOOOO!" The shower exploded again, and it rained dramatically in the hallway. "Yuya!" said Kyo. She opened her eyes. "Kyo..." she whispered. "What is it?" She coughed up water. "Kyo..." Kyo shook her a little. "What is it, Yuya? Tell me!" "I love you," she whispered back, and her eyes closed again, and her head fell back. Kyo looked up into Hotaru's camera, conveniently located at a dramatic angle above them, and shouted, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Dramatically sad music played as the camera panned to Sasuke on his knees and yelling at Yukimura to come back. They were all drenched in the green water.

Half an hour later, the were all high and having a good time. They were all square dancing, and even the basket of kittens got in on the dance. Tora was no where to be seen, and the neighbors, although they could hear violent death metal bluegrass, hid in their closets and hoped the noises would end soon.

-----

Yuya woke up the next morning to find herself not in her own bed. She recognized the room she was in, and it wasn't hers. She knew that beer bottle tower, that brief case, and that SDKXXX screensaver. Heart pounding she rolled over. Her heart froze when she recognized him. Now, this him, was it Kyo or Kyoshiro? Either was scary. His eyes opened. Red. "Dogface? What the hell are you doing in my bed? ... and why are you naked?"

Meanwhile, Yukimura, from the cover of the air vent, chuckled silently to himself. He dislodged Kyo's camera soundlessly and scooted on to the next room, musing to himself about the things that happen when people get high enough. His thoughts then drifted to how cute Sasuke looked sleeping in his little bed, and would he wear the french maid outfit with the leather shrug tonight?

Tora was in hiding. No way he could go back to the horror that surely awaited him if he returned home. No, he was staying with Mahiro, who seemed to have her own evil plans for him.

Yuya and Kyo entered the kitchen, Kyo looking quite pleased with himself and Yuya's face bright red. Who could have thought that Kyo would get so carried away with his Good-Morning-Grope when she was naked? They saw Yukimura sitting serenely at the table, a little linty, but looking otherwise normal. Sasuke had a frilly little head dress on his head but other than that, he looked normal too. You would never suspect that one had just come out of the air vents and the other had just finished desrtoying all the lederdressen he could find.

Yuya and Kyo bother sat down at the table with some cereal. Yukimura giggled. Yuya slammed her fist on the table and stood up. "Goddangit, Yukimura, why do you keep giggling whenever you know something we don't? And how on earth do you know these things?" Kyo said, "I'd rather know what you know. I'll give you some sake if you tell me." Yukimura's face lit up.

After taking a long swig out of the gourd, he said, "You two were pretty out of it last night." "I figured," said Yuya. "That's why I don't remember any of it." Yukimura giggled madly and Sasuke scooted a couple inches away from him. "You see," he laughed, "you guys were so out of it that after we square danced with my kittens, you headed to Kyo's room and did a dance of your own!" Kyo considered this for a moment. "You know, now that I think of it, Yuya didn't steal the sheets this time either." Yukimura's and Sasuke's jaws dropped. Well, now they knew how Kyo had that bit of knowledge. Yuya was flabbergasted. "You mean this has happened before? And you remember both times?" Before she could attempt to beat him, pop and Kyoshiro came out. "Oh crap!" he cried, "I'm late!" He rushed out the front door in the pair of boxers Kyo had thrown on before he and Yuya had gone downstairs.

The three of them were left in the kitchen in stunned silence.

---

"Mahiro, I'm not in to the M side of S&M!" Tora wailed. He was chained to a table, and Mahiro was dressed in a leather outfit that didn't look out of place on her. She glanced at the clock. "He's late." "Who's late?" Tora whimpered nervously. Then Kyoshiro burst through the door. "I'm here! Don't start without me!" "Good," said Mahiro. "Now that we've got all the players here..."


	17. Yukimura's Evil Plan

Author's note: As punishment for the BDSM scene that my coauthor buttercup left for me, I'm leaving the next one for her. You'll see what I mean when you finish reading this.

Oh, and you may have noticed that some of the chapters tend to be, ah, a little sasuke-centric. Those are my chapters.

To our newest reviewer, stantonluver: We salute you. You are truly random, and are worthy indeed of reading this crackfic.

To all the other reviewers: Thanks, as always. Your reviews make us feel all fuzzy inside, and encourage us to update. Whoo, this thing is getting long!

Tora narrowed his eyes. (Well, we've had this discussion before. Pretend he narrowed them, for the sake of the cliche.) He glared squintily at Mahiro, willing her telepathically to untie him.

No go. She cracked her whip, and one of the candles went out. Then another, and another, leaving them in darkness.

Tora could hear Kyoshiro's soft footsteps padding toward him, and his eyes widened. He tugged on the ropes in a rather frantic fashion. He had to escape these madmen...

--pop--

"WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!"

"Kyo!" squealed Tora gratefully. "You have to help me escape!"

"Oh, stop squealing, Tora!"

"Sasuke?" Tora blinked. (Well, whether he can actually do that is something I don't want to debate right now.) "What

are you doing here?"

"We're on a rescue mission, idiot bonbon. I do NOT need to be alone in the house with Yukimura right now. No way. You are coming home right now."

"Alone?" said Kyo suspiciously. "Where's dogface?"

"I have no idea."

--pop--

"Hey, Sasuke, did you want to play too?"

"GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAKS!"

-------

"Name: Sarutobi Sasuke. Age: 14. Hair: Hmm..." Yukimura sucked on the knuckle of his thumb. He considered the best way to put it. "White-blonde." he typed finally. "Eyes: Gosh, that's tough...what do I put?"

"Try green. You can make a note later that they're exotic. Make it sound like he wears contacts." He glanced up gratefully.

"Wow, thanks, Yuya! That's so helpful!" He typed in the information. "If I make this profile right, Sasuke's sure to finally get a date!"

Yuya blinked. "Why are you filling out a profile for him on a dating site, and does he know you are?"

"Because he needs it, and no."

"That's really creepy. By the way, why am I hanging upside down from the ceiling?"

Yukimura shrugged. He opened a file on the desktop full of pictures and started looking for a good one of Sasuke to put with the profile. A thin hand reached over his shoulder to point at one and he jumped.

"Put that one in." said Hotaru.

"But he looks all upset in that one!" Hotaru considered for a moment, then unceremoniously dumped Yukimura out of his chair and onto the floor. He sat down in front of the computer and sent the picture to a photo working program that no one in the house had ever used. Yukimura looked over his shoulder, fascinated.

Hotaru began to work. He added subtle details and flattering lighting. He cropped the picture, and he adjusted the backround. He enhanced shades and outlined shadows. Then he got up and walked away, a master of his craft through with his work.

Yukimura leapt back into the chair to see what he did. Yuya swung on her rope to get a closer view. They both saw--and they both gasped as one.

The picture was of Sasuke sprawled on the couch in nothing but his tightey-whities, looking upset and whining about something. A not too flattering picture, actually. But Hotaru had worked it into something completely different.

He'd cropped it so you couldn't see the tightey-whities at all, making it look like he was laying there shirtless. Then he'd added a flush to Sasuke's cheeks, made his eyelid's look heavy, and darkened the backround to make it look late. All together he looked--

"Sexy." Yukimura said, impressed. "Wow." He added the picture to the profile, then sent it in. Immediately, he got five hits back. He started scrolling through.

"Okay boys, I just got off the phone with Sakuya, and she says she can be here in three days to fix this for you -- Kyo! Stop that right now! You too, Tora, and don't try and tell me he started it, I saw you grab his butt!"

Kyo scowled and stopped trying to tie Tora to the ceiling fan and let him fall to the floor with a thump. Yukimura giggled and grabbed hold of Sasuke as he tried to escape upstairs.

"Oh, Sasuke! Almost forgot to tell you! You have a date in an hour!"

Everyone but Yuya turned to stare. "WHAT!"

"What the hell do you mean, I have a date? I didn't--"

"No, I did!" said Yukimura excitedly. "His name is Randy, and he's so cute--"

"YOU GOT ME A DATE WITH A BOY!"

"Well, it's less of a date and more of a 'let's hang out' kind of a thing." said Yuya. "You can look at his profile online, if you want."

"Online?" wailed Sasuke. "Ne-chan, you've betrayed me! How could youuuuuuuuuu..."

Yukimura muffled him with a big hug. "Actually, I arranged most of it. Now go got dressed in something more than your underwear."

Sasuke glared. Oh, he'd get dressed all right. He'd go on this little 'let's hang out' thing, and it would not be what they thought.

But first he had to see what they put up as his profile, and what this Randy-guy had up for his.

Those dowstairs heard a loud scream of horror. Yukimura smiled cheerfully.

"Oh, Sasuke found his profile pic!"


	18. Sasuke's Date

Authors Note! Duck!

I in no way associate myself with this, and I will kill her for the ending she left me.

Sasuke found himself in a tux. Yes, a tux. It turned out that his "hang out kind of thing" with Randy was at a black tie snobby golf club, in Scottsdale (for those of you who aren't familiar with Scottsdale, it is snob headquarters in AZ. Not saying that everyone in Scottsdale is snobby). He pulled at his tie, which was tied just a little too tight, and looked around anxiously for Randy. A man in a leopard print tux, neon pink vest, and plaid tie was walking towards him. Oh no. Sasuke recognized him from his profile picture. This was Randy.

Aside from his bizarre attire, Randy wasn't all that bad looking. He had amazing green eyes (hidden behind black-framed nerd glasses) and long blond hair in a ponytail. Randy smiled at him, and held out his arm. Sasuke reluctantly linked arms with him and let Randy lead him to their table.

Randy had ordered lobster for the both of them, insisting that he would pay for anything else Sasuke might want. Dinner was quiet, although Randy gave Sasuke love-struck looks the entire time. Several times, Sasuke slipped notes scrawled on his napkin in cocktail sauce to the waiter, begging him for help. Each time the waiter only giggled and moved on.

To Sasuke, it seemed the world was laughing at him. Everywhere he looked, there was rich people giving him and Randy weird looks. The other waiters purposely avoided their table, and their own waiter made a point of checking on them as few times as possible.

He developed a plan. He apologized to Randy, and excused himself to go to the restroom. He hid in there a few minutes, and poked his head back out into the dining area. Randy wasn't looking in his direction. Good. He darted towards the patio. Once he had made it to the patio, sneaking out wasn't a problem. He just jumped the little fence that surrounded the restaurant, and ran as fast as he could away from this nightmare.

Meanwhile, Yuya and Kyo were on a date of their own. They were at a little cafe some miles away from the golf club in Scottsdale, and Sasuke's plight never once crossed their minds. They also did not see Yukimura in the corner, at his own lonely table, looking very depressed. After he had dropped Sasuke off at his date, he realized how jealous he was. His Sasuke was with another man, and he had unwittingly set it up. He sighed dejectedly.

Kyo and Yuya were having a good time. The service was great, their waitress friendly, and the food good. They never noticed the very emo man in back. They left the cafe in high spirits and made their way back home.

Yukimura was alone in the restaurant and it was near closing time. He finally dragged himself out of his booth after deciding not to pay his bill, and trudged out of the cafe. He got on his motorbike and mindlessly drove away, into the night, unaware of where he was going, and not caring. He couldn't think straight, and he hurt. He vowed that once Sasuke came home, he would never let him out of his sight again, even if Sasuke was in love with Randy.

Miles away, Sasuke was being chased by bikers in black leather who he had accidentally incited by bonking on one the head with his kendama. Run, Sasuke, run!

Yuya wanted to go straight to bed. Kyo wanted to play Trivial Persuit. Tora was scared. He knew in his heart that Kyo would never resort to violence with Yuya, but what if Yuya brought him in on the argument? Kyo wouldn't hesitate to be violent with him. Maybe he should sneak out of the house? He was about to make his get away when the doorbell rang. Seeing as he was already at the front door, he opened it. Shinrei walked in and gave him a hug.

"Benitora!" he cried. "You have to help me!"

"What is it now?" asked Tora, looking around nervously. No one knew that he had been lending money to Shinrei, and he wanted it to stay that way. "Keep it down, Shin-Chan," he whispered. "Okay," whispered Shinrei. "You see, Hotaru beat the crap out of me and stole the money you had given me." Benitora narrowed his eyes to the point where they almost disappeared. Hotaru had interfered and he would pay. "Shin-Chan, I want you to go home. I will take care of this." "But Tora-Chan!" "No buts. Go home, and don't mention this to anyone." "O-Okay..." Shinrei said, backing out the door, "Just be careful..." "Of course." Benitora looked quite heroic as he followed Shinrei out the door. They went their separate ways, Shinrei scared, and Tora with murderous intentions.

Meanwhile, Kyo played Trivial Persuit as normal with Yuya, but "..."ed suspiciously. He had overheard Shinrei amd Tora's conversation.

Sasuke had managed to lose the bikers, but he now realized he had somehow made it to downtown Phoenix. He saw stripclub after strip club, and gangbanger after gang banger. He was in hostile territory now.

A prostitute slinked up to him. "Hey sugar," she said. "I'll take you for a ride for $20. (Note: I'm just guessing on prices here... I personally wouldn't know, nor do I care to) Sasuke, horrified, pushed her away and ran desparately in the opposite diraction. One of the men nearby saw this and chased after him, outraged that Sasuke had dared lay a hand on his girl. As the chase went on, the man's friends started chasing, too. Sasuke knew he was dead if they caught him.

Then the sound of a motorbike interrupted them. Yukimura rode into view, wailing his war cry like a banshee with whooping cough. "What's this sh!t?" one of Sasuke's persuers spat. Some started to run. The others were soon mowed down by Yukimura's bike. The few remaining either soon became prey to the enraged Yukimura, or ran away. Finally, Yukimura pulled to a stop, and pulled his helmet off. His hair fell around his shoulders in such a way that even the most successful shampoo commercial would envy. Tears streamed down Sasuke's dirty face. He had never been so happy to see Yukimura in his life. He ran to him, and, after throwing his helmet on the ground, Yukimura picked him up off the ground and held him close. Their cheerful reunion was cut short by a mob of angry gang members seeking revenge for their comrades. Yukimura picked up his helmet and handed it to Sasuke. "Hold on tight. We're going to get out of here." Sasuke nodded and got on behind him. "We'll show them what we're made of."

Kyo was losing miserabely at Trivial Persuit, quite ironic, considering it was his idea. He was frustrated and stormed upstairs to go to bed. Yuya commented that Kyo was a sore loser, but nevertheless picked up the cards and put them back in a cupbaord. She followed Kyo upstairs and stopped behind him. He was looking out the winow in the hall, "..."ing in awe. She came up beside him to see what was going on. She saw Sasuke and Yukimura battling like they hadn't since the days in old Japan. All around them, gang members and bikers formed an army that stretched for miles in every direction. Kyo said "I can't miss this," and pulled his sword out of his closet. Yuya agreed silently, and pulled her gun out of a drawer. Within hours, after Akira, Chinmei, Saishi and Saisei, and Mahiro had joined in the fight (Shinrei and Benitora were nowhere to be seen), there wasn't a trace of the army that had surrounded them.

Yukimura thanked them all, and carried Sasuke into the house. The others soon left as well, and Kyo and Yuya went back inside. Yukimura and Sasuke had dissappeared somewhere. Yuya shrugged to Kyo, and they walked hand-in-hand to go watch a movie on Kyo's computer.

Meanwhile, Tora had found Hotaru.


	19. Sasuke and Yukimura GET IT ON

Note from teh author: Oh, screw consistency. I just want Sasuke and Yukimura to finally get together! Heh...

"Hey, Sasuke."

Sasuke looked up from where he was doing a complicated puzzle on his little bed. Yukimura's voice sounded like it was it was actually shaking a little, and his face held guarded excitement.

"Today's your birthday, right?"

"Ri-ight..." he said slowly. This wasn't going to be another stupid party attempt, was it? They still hadn't cleared up all the wreckage in the backyard from last year.

"And today...you are officially above the legal age of consent, right?"

"Yeah..." he stopped suddenly, and looked at Yukimura, who was drooling. "Whoah, wait a minute! You mean you want to--"

"Oh yeah!"

It was the only warning he got before Yukimura pounced.

-...-

Yuya looked up from her book. Was that...squeaking? And...moaning? She made a face.

"Kyo, did they steal your porn tapes again?"

He shook his head. "I've kept them locked up."

She frowned. Wait a minute, wasn't today Sasuke's birthday...? And wasn't he now above the legal age of consent?

"Oh, NASTY!"

Kyo started laughing rather loudly to himself. And then everything happened at once.

The noised from upstairs escalated from squeaks and moans to thumps and screams. The phone began to ring. Tora roared up the stairs and started screaming about finding his spear. Shinrei ran into the house, heard what was going on upstairs (and at this point it was pretty hard not to) and started to sprint outside again, but stopped at the door, screamed about how he wasn't safe and ran upstairs to find Benitora. Bontenmaru and Hotaru both ran in and started searching for Benitora. Chinmei took the opportunity to sneak in and try to steal Yukimura's "special stuff" but he got to the top of the stairs and had to stop. He considered the noises, considered the value of the illegal substances, and decided to brave it. However, when he started to go in and caught an eyefull, he retreated with a shrill scream and ran back home, leaving the door open and the noises even more loud. They were crescdoing to a frantic pace, pitch, and volume, and Yuya hoped that that meant they would be done soon. Kyo turned to Kyoshiro with a pop, looked in horror at his sad excuse for an outfit, and started stripping in the middle of the living room. Hotaru and Bontenmaru had found Benitora and were now fghting fiercely over him while Shinrei screamed like a girl at the sidelines. The phone continued to ring, and then the answering machine picked up and a politician began to leave a message. Bontenmaru left off trying to kidnap Tora and began to smash the phone, declaring in a loud voice that only he would be supreme ruler. Hotaru and Tora settled down to a serious fight on the upstair's landing. Shinrei had ceased to shriek and had begun to sob like a little girl.

It was in the middle of all this that Sakuya arrived at the open door.


	20. Shoujo Revenge

Incoming authors note! Duck!

Okay, this is what I get, I guess. As she says, this is evilsock's punishment for the last chapter. I have to continue this! WAH! grumbles

As always, thanks for the reviews, and I'll try to inject humor in the next chapter, because frankly, this one doesn't have very much. Random in-chapter notes from my coauthor making evil comments, though. She's evil. Very evil. And apparantly she forgot that I had Sakuya show up. Well, okay, Sakuya saw the chaos and went to her hotel for a few days to let things calm down. (Calm down! HAH!)

Warning... This chapter is incredibly shoujo and gushy!

Sasuke awoke in a sweat. He had been having quite graphic dreams lately, but this one topped them all. He looked over at Yukimura across the dark room. He was still sleeping peacefully, with a slight smile barely visible on his face. Sasuke breathed deeply until his heartbeat returned to normal, and continued to study Yukimura's sleeping form. He knew he would not be able to sleep alone after that, so he crawled over and into bed with Yukimura, who woke up briefly to murmur, "Oh, hello Sasuke..." and went back to sleep. Sasuke followed suit soon after.

Meanwhile, Yuya was also awake, listening to the klakka klakka klakka coming from Kyo's room. What in the hell is he typing at 3 AM? she thought, irritated. The noise didn't stop. That's it. She threw open the closet door to find him on his computer, typing away in the SDKXXX chat room. He looked up at her, his face a mask of innocent confusion, and a large question mark appeared over his head. Yuya's mouth dropped. "I can't believe you!" She shouted. "It's three in the morning and all you can think about is porn!" He looked sheepish and indignant at the same time. "I am 22, you know," he said. "Can't I talk with hot Yuya-lookalikes in my own room?" Yuya's eyes teared up. She slapped him across the face and stormed into her own room, slamming the closet door behind her. Kyo looked at the door a moment, then at the computer, and back at the door again. He debated whether to continue chatting or to console Yuya. After glancing between the computer and the door a few times again, he went to Yuya's room.

She had thrown herself on her bed and was sobbing quietly. He sat down on the corner of her bed, quite uncomfortable with what he was about to do, and took several breaths trying to get the words to come out. "Yuya I... I.. Yuya... I'm... Dammit, woman, look at me." Those were not the words he was looking for, but they made her turn around. Her expression was that of a betrayed little girl, and Kyo found himself wanting to wipe her tears away against his will. He sighed, determined to not mess up this time. "Yuya, I'm sorry."

She had never heard those words from him before. She was shocked now, too shocked to try to hide her shocked expression. She stared wide-eyed at Kyo, who was fidgeting uncomfortably, and she tried to find something to say. She found she didn't need to because Kyo spoke first.

"Close your mouth, Dogface. It's not very becoming on you." Ok. This was the Kyo she knew. She laughed a little.

"What's so funny?" he asked, frowning. She hugged him. He raised his eyebrows and awkwardly returned the hug.

Some minutes later, he realized she had fallen asleep, and was snoring softly. He smiled- barely- and laid her back down and walked back to his own room to find a flurry of private messages from hot Yuya lookalikes demanding where he went and to come back had invaded his computer screen. He briefly toyed with the idea of continuing his conversations with them, but instead he closed out all the windows, turned off his computer, and went back to bed. He lied there awake for some time, thinking about what had just happened in Yuya's room.

Meanwhile, the coauthor of this chapter decided that a mushy chapter was indeed an appropriate retaliation for the other author's last chapter. Yes, a mushy Kyo-Yuya chapter. Mmm.. Kyo-Yuya...

The next morning, Benitora was nowhere to be seen. While Yuya was vaguely worried about his absence, Kyo made comments about small miracles and converting. Yukimura had disappeared into another linen closet, and Sasuke had gone with him this time (Yukimura had decided it was high time to reveal to him his secret plan, and the date for their next trip to Greece). Yuya and Kyo sat at the table amidst an awkward silence, neither knowing what to say.  
Finally, Kyo said, "About last night..."

She looked at him, her bright blue eyes reflecting the curiosity she was surely feeling.

"What were you laughing about?"

She was momentarily surprised. This was not what she had expected to hear from him.

"You just sounded like yourself is all."

It was his turn to be confused. His confusion was cut short when he heard that annoying voice.

How is Yuya doing?

Shut up, fool.

You shut up! I want to talk to Yuya!

No.

Why not?  


"Because this is my time with Yuya!"

He saw Yuya's puzzled expression and realized he had said this out loud.

You loser.

Shut up! "I was talking to Kyoshiro," he explained.

"Oh," she said. The conversation died again. At least, Kyo was smug to note, that annoying bastard had resubmerged into the bottom of his mind. He watched Yuya get up and rinse out her bowl and head upstairs. He followed after her after deciding he didn't want to go through the trouble to clean up after himself, and caught her as she was headed into her room. She turned and looked at him. "Hmm?"

"Umm... Do you want to hang out or something?"

She looked at him strangely for a moment, then agreed. She followed him back to his room.

She hadn't yet tied back her hair, and it fell across her shoulders, back, and chest in golden rivers.He was secretly jealous of her hair, as it rivaled his beautiful red-black hair... which was still on his true body (which he had managed to cram into the large freezer in the garage). He reached out and touched her hair. Her eyes widened the slightest bit, but she didn't try to stop him. His hand moved to her face. He stroked her cheek for a moment before he came back to reality and realized what he was doing. He pulled his hand back and looked down.

What the hell am I doing?  


He looked up again because Yuya had touched his face. She pulled him towards her and kissed him.

They stared at each other uneasily. They had gone out several times, and on two occasions slept together while drunk, but they had never kissed. He didn't know what to think. He knew he liked her, and that he was the almighty Kyo, but he had no experience for romantic situations. He was clueless as to what to do next.

He decided to pull her into a hug. They embraced each other , still quite nervous. Yuya was having trouble believing she had just done what she did, as was Kyo. 

Of course he had kissed other girls before, a few of whom he had feelings for, but this was different, somehow. He separated from her just enough to lean down and kiss her again. It was different. And damn it all to hell, he liked it.

He kept kissing her, because, damn it all to hell, she liked it too.

He sat down on the edge of his bed and pulled her down with him. They continued kissing until Yukimura walked past the open door, did a double take, and murmured a soft "Oh my." Oh my was right. Yuya flushed furiously, and even Kyo was starting to look red. Sasuke caught up to Yuikimura and peered in the darkened room (Kyo's blinds were pulled shut). He saw Yuya laying on Kyo's bed with him across her on his elbows, both breathing heavily. He decided he didn't want to know, and neither did Yukimura apparently. They went bck to their room and looked at each other for a while, bewildered. They did not see that coming.

Yuimura started "... Maybe we should try--" He stopped himself when he saw Sasuke's bright flush. "I had a dream last night..." "Oh, do tell!" squealed Yukimura excitedly.

Meanwhile, the coauthor's inner fan girl was feeling quite pleased.

Meanwhile, Kyo was pondering things as he gazed at Yuya that the co-author wondered if she should include.

To Be Continued...


	21. Shoujo Revenge Continued

Authors Note: Okay, still the cosuthor's chappy. This is her continuation of the last one.

…meanwhile, Kyo was pondering things as he gazed at Yuya that the co-author wondered if she should include.

Pop. Yuya looked up into blue eyes and realized she was in an awkward situation.

"Uh hi Kyoshiro..." she muttered, blushing furiously. Kyoshiro developed a goofy grin and began drooling. She now knew what to do. She smacked him and dragged him downstairs to tie to the tree out back. She wondered how much longer she would have to be careful of switching persona.

Meanwhile, the coauthor was satisfied with the amount of cheesiness she had packed into this chappy, and decided it was time to get back into the normal swing of things.

Sasuke had just finished describing his dream from the night before. He made himself look Yukimura in the eye now and saw the same goofy grin Yuya had just slapped off Kyoshiro's face.  
"Wow, Sasuke. I know what I have planned for you 18th birthday!"

Sasuke blushed brighter than a sunburnt baboon's rear end. He liked that idea. A lot.

Meanwhile outside, all hell was about to break loose...

Yuya was roasting Kyoshiro over a bonfire and Kyo was struggling to regain control, oblivious to Kyoshiro's peril.

Yuya was taunting Kyoshiro in such a way that he was actually happy. It reminded him of the old days. He smiled happily.  
"What are you smiling about, you perverted loser!" Yuya growled, adding random blocks of wood to the fire.

Kyoshiro started to panic a bit, but this was just like old times! Now if only Benitora were here to share the joy...

The doorbell rang, interrupting Sasuke's nervous staring contest with Yukimura. Yukimura waltzed down the stairs in his usual high spirits to get the door. He swung the door open, and his smile faded, replaced by a gape of shock.

Sakuya stood there, mouth hanging open retardedly, clad in an American Idol shirt and a flowy skirt. Yukimura turned to shout across the house, "Yuya... I think you might want to bring Kyo out here..."

When Yuya heard the call, she untied Kyoshiro, who was also as red as a sunburnt baboon's rear end, and dragged him in the house, just narrowly avoiding death by Kyo, who finally regained control.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, woman?"

Sakuya swung around, mouth hanging open, and looked at the sorry excuse for Kyo. She wondered how in the hell he and Kyoshiro were back in the same body, but nonetheless, she would do what she could to fix it. Kyo wondered if she would ever get over that bad habit of talking without moving her mouth.

At this same moment, Tora was trying to sneak in the back door, looking around warily for Bontenmaru. His confrontation had not gone well. He had ended up running away, leaving his poor Shin-Chan to fend for himself. How was Shin-Chan now, anyway? He crawled past the bonfire without a second thought and into the house. He saw a strange woman gaping at Kyo or Kyoshiro (who looked badly burnt), and immediately forgot about Yuya. He had a new obsession now.

Meanwhile, Chinmei, Akira, and Mahiro had seen the smoke from the bonfire and headed over to investigate. The back gate was open, so they all gathered into the backyard to see a massive bonfire. Chinmei knew just what to do. He barged into the house, ignoring everyone inside, and hijacked the marshmallows he knew were in the secret basement, as well as the pot on the stove down there. He had a party on his mind.

It is well known that the other author and I have a war of leaving evil endings for each other and so... I leave this one to her.


	22. Marshmallow Appeasment

Kyo, back in his own body, stepped up to the alter. The firelight shone on his sweat-streaked body, and his eyes were wild with alchohol and zealous frenzy. Kyoshiro stepped up to the other side, holding a drunken Sakuya in his arms.

"Kyo--" he intoned. "Will you make this sacrifice, in the name of all squishy, puffy, airfilled goodness, in order to give this woman to the evil marshmallows, that they might be appeased?"

"I shall."

Kyoshiro layed Sakuya down on the alter. The others stepped closer, forming a ring around the alter and the fire, the light shining on their exposed skin, revealing the symbols drawn in marshmallow fluff on their reddened flesh.

Chinmei threw another handful of stuff onto the fire, which turned green and started to give off a sparkling, shimmering smoke. They all inhaled and took a step closer, till they could have reached out and touched the fire, or the sacrificial alter.

Kyo raised the knife over his head, chanting "Stay puffed, marshmallows! Stay puffed, marshmallows!" over and

over. The others joined in. The knife plunged.

It was right about then that Kotaro walked into the backyard. The chanting stopped, and they all turned to look at him with puzzled faces. He stared.

"Um...what the fuck are you guys doing?"

"We are sacrificing this woman to the evil marshmallows!"

"They must be appeased!"

"You must join the ritual!"

Kotaro didn't think he would. He grabbed Sasuke and ran out the gate.

"YOU DISRUPT THE RITUAL! HERETIC!"

Kotaro was glad Sasuke was giggling and not fighting, since it made it that much easier though it worried him.

"Now when you pick a pawpaw..."

Kotaro slowed for a moment, startled.

"...or a prickly pear, and you prick a raw paw...next time beware!"

Kotaro groaned. What the hell had they been putting on that fire!

"Don't pick the prickly pear by the paw  
When you pick a pear  
Try to use the claw  
But you don't need to use the claw  
When you pick a pear of the big pawpaw  
Have I given you a clue ?"

Kotaro smacked Sasuke upside the head, knocking him unconscious. He sprinted into his apartment and locked the door. Let the other's try to get them in here.

It was time for the seige.


	23. The Siege

Kyo had a large marshmallow headdress firmly glued to his head with marshmallow goo.

It was in his eyebrows, around his nipples, circling around every inch of his body. He was the leader.

Yuya was back in the marshmallow-clad group behind him, her hair also full of marshmallow goo. She looked like she had just returned from WhoVille. In her mind, she probably had. She was the distraction.

Yukimura looked fierce with rings of marshmallow goo around his eyes. His hair was stuck in it, and he had a tiara of mini marshmallows circling his head. He was the queen.  
Bontenmaru appeared wise with his marshmallow beard, and gigantic marshmallow goo eyebrows. He was wearing a jumbo marshmallow loincloth. He was the brute force.

All the players were there. And they had a most excellent backup plan. Little did they know they would never use it.

They had torches. And a boom box playing the Floofy-Poof Marshmallows jingle. They were clad in sticky roller blades, and were skating ominously down the street. It was early morning. The commuters on their way to work quickly found a detour.

Kotaro could hear the jingle almost immediately. The very tune sent chills down his spine, and he almost began to regret rescuing his friend. He looked over at Sasuke in the corner, who was beginning to sober up and realize he was in a straight jacket. He wondered if his fortifications would hold or if he had enough ammunition for the catapult set up in the kitchen.

He would find out soon enough.

He could now hear the roar of marshmallow-encrusted roller blade wheels on asphalt. His heart started pounding in his ears. How far away were they now? A mile? A block? Better ready his secret weapon. And his trump card. That needed to be ready too.

The roar was unbearably loud now, and the ground shook beneath him. Pictures fell from the walls and shattered on the floor. Sasuke was shaken through the open bathroom door. Suddenly, the noise stopped. In the eerie silence, Kotaro crept to the front door. He cautiously peered through the peephole into a glaring red eye.

He yelped and jumped backwards, and slowly brought himself back up to glance out again. The glowing eye blinked. Kotaro shrieked and fell down. Over his thundering heart, he could hear heavy breathing on the other side of the door. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.

He managed to crab walk into the kitchen. he shakily looked out the window to see Kyo's army. Every last person from his block, including the normally uninvolved neighbors, each covered in marshmallows, was behind him in formation. They parted to allow a gigantic marshmallow pole to go through. A battering ram. They intended to break the door down. Each person grabbed onto the battering marshmallow and backed up, marching in cadence. Then, suddenly, they rushed forward.

_Squish._

Vague bewildered expressions registered on some of their faces as they backed up again. They surged forward again, screaming out war cries and the Floofy-Poof jungle lyrics.

_Squish._

This time they were starting to look angry as they backed up again. Kotaro decided now was as good a time as any to go on the offensive, while they were still trying to force his door open. He loaded two jars of mayonnaise into the catapult, and launched it out the kitchen window. It flew right into Bontenmaru's face.

He howled in such an unearthly way that even Sasuke, in the bathroom, was unnerved. Bonten pawed at his eyes, trying to get the offensive gook off.

This time, carrots. They flung and stuck to Yukimura's mask. He screamed like a banshee and proceeded to slip on his roller blades and wriggle in the gravel, covering himself in pebbles.

His plan was working. One by one, each member of the army was taken down, onions, jellies, prunes, eggs, magnets, lemonade. Finally, only Kyo was left standing among the condiment-littered earth.

Kyo raised a staff topped with an enormous marshmallow over his head and roared like a hippo. Each member of his army got to their feet, their eyes glowing like burning marshmallows.

Time for the secret weapon. The army began to charge. Suddenly, something green began raining down on them. Steam hissed where they made contact with the army. They started howling in pain and became an unorganized, squirming mass.

Kyo narrowed his eyes. Pickles.

Once again, he raised his staff and warbled the cry of the hippo. His army slowly got up, strings of marshmallow goo grotesquely hanging from their bodies like rotting flesh. They began to charge again.

Kotaro knew the enemy had been badly hurt by his last attack, but they still posed a threat and he was out of pickles. Time for his trump card.

Mean while, the marshmallow-worshipping zombies screamed that jingle as loud as they could as they stormed Kotaro's door and windows. Suddenly, the kitchen window and surrounding wall disappeared in an explosion of glass and plaster and something large, white, and mooing fell from the sky. They scattered. It landed gracefully and they found themselves face-to-face with a cow. They started grunting and squealing for their leader to come over. It was a message from the Marshmallow Gods. After all, marshmallows were dairy products, and cows are the mothers of all dairy. They had to stop and worship.  
Kotaro's plan had worked. While they were on their knees worshipping the cow, he snuck around behind them and pinched the nerves behind their neck, causing each one to pass out.

The siege was over.

Several hours later, Kyo woke up in his room with absolutely no memories of what had happened. He remembered being put back into his own body, but after that was a black. He figured he had just gone to bed after that. He rolled over and looked at his alarm clock. 3:30 AM. Benitora would still be in the shower, and sure enough, he could hear the water running through the pipes in his walls. He heard something else, too. A soft squeak. Yuya's door was opening. _Oh great,_ thought Kyo. _She's sleep walking again. _Past experience told him it would be a very good idea to follow her and make sure she didn't get hurt.

The water shut off in the bathroom.

Kyo crept out of bed to see Yuya standing in her doorway, breathing softly, in a pink nightgown. She looked both ways, perhaps dreaming about crossing the street? She made her way into the hallway.

The bathroom door opened, flooding the hall with light and exposing Benitora, wearing nothing but a towel on his head and another one around his waist. His eyes widened (I don't wish to get into the physics of this phenomenon) as he spotted Yuya strolling down the hall. "Now's my chance!" He squealed under his breath. It would be best not to wake her. He knew he was supposedly over Yuya and now going after Sakuya, but there was something about Yuya's innocent aura as she walked softly along that made him crazy. He began to stalk after her.

Kyo glared. _Wanna die, Tora?_ He stalked after Tora.

Coincidentally, Sasuke had also gotten out of his little bed to get a glass of water. He saw Yuya sleepwalking, Tora floating along behind her in a disturbing fashion, and Kyo creeping after him, murder in his eyes.

This would be very interesting. He followed along as well, intent on watching the showdown that would surely ensue.

Tora caught up to Yuya and walked along side her. "Hello, YuyaHan!" She turned to look at him in her dream and murmured a sleepy, "Good afternoon Benitora." He took her hand and suggested going to a movie. She agreed, but managed to murmur for him to keep his hands to himself. 'he turned her around and started leading her back to his room. Kyo immediately receded into the shadows, taking Sasuke with him. He put a finger to his lips. Sasuke gulped. Kyo looked downright psychotic. 

Kyo and Sasuke crept after Tora and Yuya and both scooted in before the door shut. Kyo being Kyo and Sasuke being forest born, they could both see in the dark exceptionally well. They saw Benitora seat Yuya on his bed and tell her he was going to go get snacks, and heard her quiet, "Okay, and if you see Kyo, bring him too." Kyo narrowed his eyes. What was that pervert up to? It was time to step in.

Tora had gone into the closet to get something, and in that time Kyo managed to soundlessly switch clothing with Yuya and get Sasuke to take Yuya away, to someone else's room, and guard her well.

Tora came back out wearing a man thong. "What do you think of my outfit, YuyaHan?"

Kyo smirked, as Benitora clearly did not have the night vision he and Sasuke had. He imitated Yuya perfectly, including the sleepy overtones of her dreaming, "You look so sexy Benitora." Tora came up to him and stood right in front of him. "How about we find something like this for you too?" Kyo cooed, "But what about the movie?" Tora replied, "We can watch it some other time. For now, let's... find you something nice to wear." He reached for what would be Yuya's bust but found Kyo's pecs instead. His eyes widened (as much as Tora's eyes can). Kyo grinned and his eyes glowed red. "Well, servant, did I give you permission to mess with my girl?

Tora's scream never made it past his door.

The next morning, Yuya woke to find herself in Kyo's boxers and a black wife beater, and in Sasuke's little bed. Bewildered, she looked up to see Sasuke and Yukimura curled up together in Yukimura's bed.

She, too, screamed, and this one echoed throughout the house.


	24. In Greece

Strange noises had been emanating from the basement for several nights now. Sasuke suspected that Yukimura was up to something again, via his secret cupboard in the kitchen. He wanted to question him about it, but Yukimura distracted him before he could by waving two plane tickets to Greece in his face.

Which was why Sasuke why was trying to talk to Yukimura now with a faceful of goat. He was sure there was some way to milk it without shoving his entire face against its side, but the goat was bigger than him and he didn't want to experiment.

"So, what were those noises, exactly?"

No answer.

"They sounded like a combination of mad giggling and furious yowling, in turns."

Still no answer. Sasuke thought he heard a giggle from around his goat, but he wasn't sure. It was hard to hear around the fur.

"Sakuya's been missing since that marshmallow thing we did."

Definite strangled noise from the other goat.

"You have Sakuya down in the basement!"

Another giggle. Sounded slightly nervous. Sasuke peered around his goat.

"You left her down there while we came to Greece! Yukimura, what if she starves!"

"She won't. She won't get hungry with what I put in her system. Besides, I think she's immortal anyway. She survived my strongest stuff."

"Strongest stuff?"

"Yeah, I found out later I'd accidentally added some stuff that was poisonous when mixed with this other stuff...and I had also added that other stuff..."

"So that explains those fumes."

"Yeah...but you're not supposed to drink it like she did..."

Sasuke sighed, and stopped milking his goat.

"You know, I think we scarred Yuya for life before we left. She didn't stay long enough for us to explain that you snuggle in your sleep."

"That's not the only time I snuggle..."

"Yukimura!"

-...-

"Kyo, we need to find out how to get into the basement, now!"

Kyo glared at her. "Why, woman?"

Yuya blew steam from her nose. Kyo stared, wondering if she'd stolen his pipe.

"Why! Because Sakuya's down there! We've got to get her out! Not to mention the fact

that Yukimura having a place that only he can access is incredibly dangerous to the health of everyone in the household..."

"Not everyone. Yukimura and Sasuke are in Greece, and Benitora's in the hospital." Kyo

grinned suddenly. "It's just you and me, woman. Wanna do it?"

He didn't dodge when she reached out to hit him. "Oo, kinky! I love it!"

Yuya shrieked and fled upstairs.

-...-

"That doesn't bend that way, nurse-woman!"

"For the last time, yes it does, and for the last time, don't call me nurse-woman!"

Tora scrambled to the other side of the hospital bed. He eyed the nurse beadily. (Not like he can eye anyone in any way that is not beadily. Not with his eyes...but we've been over this before. You know all about the scientific evidence provided by many independent research companies, and you know all about how the findings who that Tora's eyes cannot possibly narrow any further than they already are, and that he always eyes people beadily. We don't need to go over it again...oh, wait, we just did. Never mind. Well, now you know it twice as well. Good for you. Knowledge is power! Save the earth! Be a planeteer!)

(The coauthor just shot the author.)


	25. Tora's Naughty Plan

Authors note: The author staggered over to her computer desk. "Must…see…coathor's…new chappie…" She blinked at the page where they wrote before putting them on She read silently, then staggered back in horror. "No..she didn't! She couldn't! She did…"

The nurse eyed Tora beadily right back. Tora knew he had to out-beady her or she would have the upper hand.  
He narrowed his eyes (the author has been shot. Let's let it rest). The nurse narrowed her eyes. He narrowed his further. So did she.

This was going to be a tough battle.

The doctor entered the room to see a nurse and the patient with eyes so squinty that their eyebrows, most of their foreheads, and the upper of their noses had been pulled into the squinty lines where their eyes should have been.   
He knew better than to get involved. This had happened before, with disatsterous results. He would have to break this up immediately.

"Excuse me." He cleared his throat. With a sickening pop, the nurse's eyes opened back up, releasing her face, and she managed to transform her uber squint into a look of suprise in a record breaking two seconds. Tora took a little longer, and he returned to his normal squint.

The doctor walked over to Tora. "I have the results from your CAT scan. I'm afraid your intestines have been completely turned inside out and your spleen has traded places with one of your kidneys."

"Is it serious?" The nurse fell over.

The doctor pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Well... let's just say that surgery is not optional."

"So... it is serious?"

-----

A couple days later, after Benitora had been admitted back home, Kyo and Yuya were watching reruns in the living room. They were completely unsuspecting of the chaos about to ensue, although Yuya occasionally nagged at Kyo that they needed to go find Sakuya, or slapped his hand away from the places it shouldn't be.

Kyoshiro had a bone to pick with Benitora. He hadn't been returning his calls for the past few days, or his emails, or his IMs, or his telepathic messages...

It wasn't over for him. He still loved Tora. Why was he ignoring him like this?

He knew the front door would be open, and he snuck into the house. The TV was on in the living room, and if he was lucky, he would be able to sneak into Tora's room and force him to talk to him without being lynched by Kyo. He fiercely reminded himself that he was not being a stalker. Up the stairs without event, although he thought he heard Kyo "..." from the living room.

Benitora's heart pounded. He had decided that this was probably the only chance he would ever get to do this, while Sasuke and Yukimura were out for the next month. He had to do it now. He couldn't take it anymore. He slid into Yukimura and Sasuke's room, and saw that they had taken the basket of kittens with them to Greece. Good. Who knew what those kittens told Yukimura? They might snitch on him. Breathing heavily, he approached the dresser. Hotaru would be glad that Yukimura had removed his cameras from the house, as what Tora had in mind would not be pretty.

His hands were trembling, and he had to fight to steady them enough to open the dresser drawers. Not this one. This one was full of tighty whities in various sizes. Not this one. This one had multicolored socks. Not this one either. This one was full of little blue socks, some of them with split toes. The large drawer underneath the row of little ones was next. Nope, not this one. This one was full of shorts that could only fit over Sasuke's skinny hips. The last drawer, the one on the bottom. This had to be it. He slowly opened it. Bingo.

He pulled out a pair of Yukimura's tight pants. They looked like a pair of pantyhose when there wasn't a pair of sexily muscled legs inside them. But it was finally happening. He was finally going to try on Yukimura's pants. He tiptoed to the door and locked it, then took off his own pants, and marveled at himself in the full-length mirror. He just loved his man thong. He tugged on Yukimura's pants. They really were tight! He could no longer bend his legs! He attempted to walk back to the dresser, but the tightness of the pants prevented him from moving. He fell flat on his face.

Riiiiiiiiiiip.

Oh no. Something had ripped. He patted his behind to find, in horror, that the back seam had completely ripped apart. Yukimura was going to kill him.

Meanwhile, back in the hallway, Kyoshiro tried to guess which room was Tora's. Yuya's room had a little lacey sign on the door announcing to the world that this was Yuya's room, and do not enter. He decided to go into the first room on the right. It was locked. It must be Tora's room!

Tora heard the door knob rattle. His heart was about to explode; he had been discovered! Soon, the whole household would see him sprawled out on the floor, wearing Yukimura's pants, with the back seam split open, and his pleather man thong exposed!

Kyoshiro pulled a hair pin out of his hair, and his signature stray hair popped up. He used the hair pin to pick the lock. He opened the door to see two beds, an empty basket on one of them, and Benitora in between them, wearing unbelievably tight pants, with the back seam ripped open, and a pleather man thong wedged between his butt cheeks.  
Tora looked up to see Kyoshiro. Oh. My. God. Not him. Anyone but him...  
Kyoshiro squealed. He knew just what to do. "Buttsecks!"

-----

Downstairs, Yuya was trying to convince Kyo to get up off his lazy bum so they could go find the secret entrance to the secret underground basement and free Sakuya. She finally won, and he turned off the TV. They knew Yukimura was prone to popping out of weird places, like from behind paintings, under rugs, and from the briefcase in Kyo's room. They checked all the rugs downstairs, and found nothing.

"Wait," said Yuya, "remember all the times that Yukimura has randomly waltzed out of the kitchen cabinet?"

"Yep," replied Kyo. "He was most definitely not making pasta." Yuya blushed. Kyo liked to make fun of her for believing that stupid story.

They went into the kitchen and opened the bottom cupboard. It looked normal enough. Yuya bent over to closer inspect it, and Kyo grinned widely. He grabbed her butt.

She fell forward and hit the bottom of the cupboard. It made a hollow thunking noise. A false bottom?

"Help me with this," she demanded. She began tugging on the bottom of the cupboard. Kyo pushed Yuya out of the way and easily dislodged it, and they saw a door. The door was easier to open, and they found themselves looking at a staircase, leading down into a cold and dark void that smelled funny. "Y-you go first," said Yuya. Kyo shrugged and slipped into the cupboard and began going down the stairs. "Wait up!" cried Yuya, and she grabbed a flash light from a drawer in the kitchen and followed after him.

It was very cold. She stayed close to him, and shined the flashlight in every direction she heard a funny noise from. The flashlight beam did not penetrate the darkness far enough to show whatever had made the noise, or the walls for that matter. They continued down the stairs. They could hear disconcerting moaning now. It was faint, but there was definitely something down here. Shey could see a glowing outline of a rectangle farther down. A door? They continued to it. It was indeed a door. Kyo opened it, while Yuya shined the flashlight into the corners, exposing a stove and several pots and pans.

Once the door was open, they had to squint against the light inside. Once they had grown accustomed to the light, they saw Sakuya, sprawled on a chaise lounge, holding her stomach. Jazz music was playing from a computer in the corner. Kyo found himself wondering how there was electricity down this far underground.

Sakuya rolled over and stared at them through glazed eyes. "Kyoooooooooo..." She sounded horribly sick, and Yuya and Kyo both knew she needed to get to the hospital. When Kyo picked up the groaning woman, Yuya felt her stomach clench in jealousy. She knew she needed to stop being immature. They ran back upstairs, intent on taking Sakuya to the hospital.

Once they were out of the cupboard and back in the kitchen, they stopped dead in their tracks. What was that groaning and thumping? It was coming from upstairs! Kyo gagged. He explained to her that Kyoshiro had snuck into the house, and apparently he had found Tora, or vice versa. Yuya was shocked. "Why didn't you tell me he had snuck in?" Kyo shrugged. "I thought things might be interesting... but I didn't expect this!" Yuya frowned. "Well, let's get out of here before we both lose our dinner. We can yell at them after we get Sakuya to the hospital!"

They rushed out, slamming the front door behind them.

Meanwhile, after some fierce arguing with the Greek government, Yukimura and Sasuke found themselves on a plane back home. They would be landing in Tokyo in about an hour.

They were completely unprepared for what they would find in Yukimura's room.


	26. Naked Singalong

When Yukimura opened the front door, groans and thumps met their ears. Sasuke winced. Yukimura grabbed the broom and started thumping on the ceiling.

"You have 3.5 seconds before I come up there! 3.5, 2.5, 1.5, ZERO!"

Sasuke was impressed. Yukimura could produce an amazing snarl when he felt like it.

Several screeches and a broken window later, they saw two forms racing through the bushes and down the street. Sasuke peered after them.

"Was that Tora and Kyoshiro? Ew."

Yukimura walked over to the hall table.

"Look, a letter! Hey, there's three...they all look the same. Oh! They're from the school! Gradution is coming up!"

Sasuke peered at the letter from under his arm. "Those are really old. You guys already missed your graduation ceremony."

"Oh. Well, we graduate anyway. Wow! Now, only you and Yuya are still going to school! Oh, and here's your grade report..."

Whoops. Distraction time. "Hey, Yukimura, let's throw a party!"

Yukimura dropped the letter and looked at him with a priceless comfused face. "Party?"

"Yeah! For your graduation!"

Sasuke was sweating. If this didn't work, and Yukimura saw his grades...

"That's a great idea, Sasuke!"

-...-

Yuya was disgruntled. How dare Kyo grope Sakuya, and right in front of her, too! How dare he grope another woman!

Yuya crossed her arms over her chest and "hmph"ed. Kyo looked over at her, confused. She'd been sulking since they took Sakuya to the hospital, and he still couldn't figure out why.

"You on the rag, woman?"

Yuya's face turned purple. "Kyo! You can't ask a girl that!"

"Oh. Well, you PMSing, then?"

Kyo found himself rather thankful he'd discovered the pistol she'd hidden under the front seat of his car. Dodging bullets while he was driving was bothersome.

He pulled into the driveway while Yuya was still in the middle of her apoplectic fit.

"What the...?"

Kyo opened his door and stood up, his mouth open.

There was a swarm of police on the front lawn, shouting with bullhorns at a house that didn't seem to be responding. Kyo could feel his ribcage vibrating in sympathy with the music pouring out of the house. His bootlegged stereo system!

He spotted the cop he'd wrestled with last time. His eyes narrowed. Time for round two.

-...-

Yuya was shrieking Kyo's name over and over again (rather aggravating, but he could use it to tease her later), bullets were flying everywhere, a SWAT team had just piled out of their truck, and a small delivery car from Starbuck's had just pulled up to the driveway.

All the noise stopped. Over a dozen pairs of eyes turned to watch the girl from the coffee shop traipse blithely through the carnage up to the front door. She knocked.

"Starbuck's Delivery Service! We've got your order!"

One of the cops whistled. "Starbuck's delivers?"

"They do if you pay enough!" came a cheerful voice from an upstairs window. A white-haired boy, small for his age and wearing nothing but tightey-whities, leaned out the window. He deftly lowered a tray to the ground with ropes.

"Money's on the tray! Just set the coffee on there, please!"

The girl complied cheerfully.

"Have a nice day!"

Sasuke waved as she got into her car. Then he hauled the coffee up, flipped the lid off the biggest cup, and started chugging.

The only noise was the sound of Sasuke gulping. And gulping. And continuing to gulp. The boy had some skills when it came to coffee.

This was going to be a wierd day.

-...-

Sasuke sat comfortably on the roof.

He was absolutely naked. (A/n: what can i say? i love that kid...)

He took a deep breath.

"Hello darkness, my old friend..."

"I've come to talk with you again..."

Yukimura clambered up beside him. Also naked.

"Because a vision softly creeping, left its seeds while I was sleeping..."

Kyo and Yuya, leaning against the house, looked up. Silently they stood up and stripped, then began to sing along.

"And the vision that was planted in my brain still remains, within the sound of silence."

Akira and Hotaru filed out of their house. Nude.

"In restless dreams I walked alone, narrow streets of cobblestone..."

Kyoshiro and Benitora appeared on top of Bontenmaru and Okuni's house.

"'Neath the halo of a street lamp, I turned my collar to the cold and damp..."

Bontenmaru and Okuni joined them. They were all naked, of course.

"When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light, that split the night, and touched the sound of silence."

Sakuya popped up and was promptly smacked down again.

"And in the naked light I saw, ten thousand people, maybe more."

Shinrei appeared at the edge of one of the streetlamps glow.

"People talking without speaking, people hearing without listening..."

Chinmei started dancing drunkenly up and down the street, singing in a slurred voice.

"People writing songs that voices never share, and no one dared, disturb the sound of silence."

Saizou cautiously appeared.

"'Fools,' said I, 'You do not know, silence like a cancer grows. Hear my words that I might teach you, take my arms that I might reach you.'"

Kotaro climbed up on the roof with Sasuke and Yukimura.

"But my words like silent raindrops fell, and echoed in the wells of silence."

Saishi and Saisei swayed in rythm as they sang.

"And the people bowed and prayed, to the neon god they made."

Nobunaga popped up.

"And the sign flashed out its warning, in the words that it was forming."

Everyone else whose names escape me appeared and sang too.

"And the sign said, 'The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls, and tenement halls.'"

The song grew to a crescendo.

"And whisper'd..."

They all bowed their heads.

"In the sounds of silence."


	27. Numa Numa

C-AN: sorry for two entries with songs in them... I thought of this and couldn't let the idea go! I suggest while reading this you play Dragostea Din Tei in the background... (also known as "The Numa Numa song") (legal stuffs... O-Zone is known for this song, so go to them for legal issues... not me. I don't own the song! Just in case you, for whatever reason, thought I did.)

AN: Reiji is the co-author and Sasuke is the author. (You'll understand later.)

After the police went home (they had to break up the nudists... yes, there was the freedom to assemble, but not assemble naked), things went back to normal... Kyo fighting people, Benitora being kidnapped, Chinmei getting high, and everyone doing whatever it was that they normally did. Several weeks went by, and it was high time for something to happen.

Yuya, Sasuke, and Kyo were in the living room, watching the Discovery Channel, and Yukimura and Benitora were upstairs somewhere, on Yukimura's computer. Yuya watched with interest as a special on commercial fishing started... after all, it was discussing where a staple of Japanese diet came from, and that is interesting! Kyo wanted to change the channel, but Yuya had the remote and she wanted to watch this. So he reluctantly agreed to watch it with her.

A screen showing two marine biologists came up, who began to talk about their findings on a recent study they did.

Reiji Yamada said, "We have been studying the effects of nets on fish…and we discovered that fish get caught in nets."

Sasuke Yamada said, "We think this discovery will forever change the world of commercial fishing."

"That's it!" Kyo stormed away upstairs to go pester Yukimura.

Yuya watched him storm up the stairs. "I wonder what his problem is."

Sasuke looked back at her. "Hormones."

"What do you know about hormones? You're what, 12?"

"What's that supposed to mean!"

------------------------

"Hey Kyo, what's up?" Yukimura chirped.

Kyo replied with a "..."

"That's cool too."

"So what are you guys doing?" asked Kyo.

"We found a video of some guy dancing to this really cool song... Wanna see?"

"Sure, why not?"

"It's really cool," added Tora. "And really funny too. Makes me wanna dance."

----------------------------

"Maia hee..."

Yuya turned the volume down on the TV. "Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?" asked Sasuke.

"Maia huu..."

"THAT! That's not what I think it is, is it?"

"Depends on what you think it is."

"Maia hoo..."

"Sasuke, I think we're in for trouble." Yuya said nervously.

"I think so too, ne-chan... This doesn't bode well."

"Maia ha-aaa!"

Yuya and Sasuke prepared to run, but the doorbell rang. They looked at each other... Should they wait until the person left, or zoom out the door and leave them to fend for themselves against whatever was about to come down the stairs?

"Alo..."

They ran for the door.

"Salut..."

It was too late, as the door bell rang again. Sasuke opened it to see Shinrei, cowering and looking around frightenedly. His eyes bugged out once he heard the music coming from inside.

"Sunt eu, un haiduc."

There was a loud thumping as the three men started coming downstairs.

All hell broke loose.

"Si te rog, iubirea mea, primeste fericirea.  
Alo, alo, sunt eu Picasso,  
Ti-am dat beep, si sunt voinic,  
Dar sa stii nu-ti cer nimic."

Shinrei's face changed from a look of uke to a look of horror when he saw Kyo, Yukimura, and Benitora dancing and coming straight for them. He turned around and ran, Yuya and Sasuke following closely after.

Behind them, they could hear the three singing, and the beat of their jumping, as they danced after them.

"Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma, nu ma iei,  
Nu ma, nu ma iei, nu ma, nu ma, nu ma iei.  
Chipul tau si dragostea din tei,  
Mi-amintesc de ochii tai.

Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma, nu ma iei,  
Nu ma, nu ma iei, nu ma, nu ma, nu ma iei.  
Chipul tau si dragostea din tei,  
Mi-amintesc de ochii tai."

Was there any place to hide? There was a motel up ahead... maybe they could hide in there and escape the song, and, more importantly, escape the dance.

Kyo and Yuikimura belted out

"Te sun, sa-ti spun, ce simt acum,  
Alo, iubirea mea, sunt eu, fericirea.  
Alo, alo, sunt iarasi eu, Picasso,  
Ti-am dat beep, si sunt voinic,  
Dar sa stii nu-ti cer nimic."

while Tora danced furiously, while waving his arms.

Yuya rang the bell impatiently at the service desk, _come on, come on, where are you? Give us rooms!_

"Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma, nu ma iei,  
Nu ma, nu ma iei, nu ma, nu ma, nu ma iei.  
Chipul tau si dragostea din tei,  
Mi-amintesc de ochii tai.

Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma, nu ma iei,  
Nu ma, nu ma iei, nu ma, nu ma, nu ma iei.  
Chipul tau si dragostea din tei,  
Mi-amintesc de ochii tai."

An elderly man came to the front counter, and peered off over Yuya's shoulder to see Kyo, Yukimura, and Benitora dancing ever closer.

He looked at Yuya seriously. "I understand. Follow me." He lead them down the hall to some stairs going downward, and into the basement. It smelled of sitting water and was kind of cold, but it was safe.

For several minutes all they could hear was the sound of their breathing, and the drip of water somewhere else in the bathroom.

The basement was dark, and only a little bit of moonlight shone through to high window in the corner. They could just barely see each other's outlines, and nothing more.

A form slowly raised up from behind Yuya, and a pair of glowing red eyes opened and a grin just barely visible split the figure's face, showing sharp teeth.

It inhaled, to quietly whisper into Yuya's ear, "Maia hee... Maia huu... maya hoo... Maia haa-aa..."

She screamed as Yukimura and Benitora popped out of their hiding places and joined in.

"Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma, nu ma iei,  
Nu ma, nu ma iei, nu ma, nu ma, nu ma iei.  
Chipul tau si dragostea din tei,  
Mi-amintesc de ochii tai.

Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma, nu ma iei,  
Nu ma, nu ma iei, nu ma, nu ma, nu ma iei.  
Chipul tau si dragostea din tei,  
Mi-amintesc de ochii tai..."

---------------------

Several hours later, in various motel rooms, Yuya woke up to find herself in a bed with Kyo, who was sleeping rather peacefully, Sasuke woke up to find Yukimura nuzzling him in his sleep, and Benitora woke up to see the old man next to him in his bed.

(The coauthor is prepared for death.)


	28. Tubing down the River

AN: the author just killed the coauthor. This chapter is also more in the spirit of the earlier chapters. It's like a comeback! And, as warning, the author leaves for Florida for six weeks on Monday the 26th. I don't know if I'll have internet access, so I guess HDK might be on hiatus while I'm gone. I'll try and get on, but no promises.

Tora was tired. He also couldn't breathe. After a moment he realized he was face down in his bowl of cereal, and had been trying to breathe froot loops for the past minute. He lifted his head.

"That explains the fruity aroma."

Kyo walked by, and smacked Tora so his head flew back down to his cereal. Froot loops flew everywhere. Sasuke, who was sitting across from Tora, stared down at his be-froot looped body balefully. He shot Kyo a dirty look, and then climbed into the sink to wash off.

Yuya, who was attempting to rinse out her cereal bowl, was not pleased by this. She unscrewed the cap off of the dish soap and dumped it on Sasuke's head, then marched off in a huff to dump her bowl in the new dishwasher. They'd finally replaced the one that had exploded.

Yukimura pranced downstairs in impossibly tight jeans and a shirt that was so tight that he was, for all intents and purposes, shirtless. He spotted Sasuke sitting in the sink, looking grumpy and covered in froot loops and dish soap.

"Bubblebath time, Sasuke!"

"Noooooooo!"

Kyo glanced over at the sink, and then quickly glanced back at his french toast. He poked it with a fork, and it got up and did a dance, hoping to convince him not to eat it. He eyed it for a moment, and then shoved the entire thing in his mouth at once. He looked over at Yuya with his mouth gaped open, showing french toast bulging out, and syrup dripping down his chin.

"Yuya," he said with difficulty, "Is is french toast or freedom toast?"

She stared at him in disgust. "We're in Japan. It's neither. They don't eat french toast here."

His french toast disappeared with a small pop. He stared at his empty plate sadly.

"But now I have no breakfast." He said a small, sad voice.

Yuya rolled her eyes. Then she kicked Tora to restart his breathing, hauled Yukimura away from Sasuke and Sasuke out of the sink, and arranged them all around the table, which she then stood on top of.

"Now, as you all know, it's summer. I have therefore arranged a number of activities for us to participate in. Today we are going tubing. Everyone get your suits and get in the car!"

Tora brightened. Yuya noticed.

"Tora, you can't wear your manthong."

"Awww..."

Kyo grinned to himself.

-...-

They had all assembled at the river. Yuya shaded her eyes and glanced around.

"Gosh, there's almost no one else here yet! Great driving, Kyo--you got us here so fast!"

Tora, Yukimura, and Sasuke shuddered in horror at the memory.

Yuya grabbed her innertube and waded into the river.

"Okay, boys! Off with your clothes, on with your suits, and into the river!"

Sasuke and Yukimura obeyed. Yukimura had rubber duckys on his suit and so did Sasuke, though Sasuke was pretending very hard that he didn't.

Tora grumbled loudly about not being able to wear his manthong, and walked into the river in his demin cut offs. He flopped onto his innertube and pulled his baseball cap over his eyes.

Yuya looked over at Kyo.

"Kyo! Hurry up and join us!"

Kyo grinned again, this time openly. He proudly shed his shirt and pants, revealing--

"NO WAY! How come he gets to wear a manthong and I don't!"

Yuya hid her eyes while Yukimura whistled.

"Kyo, you jerk!"

He smirked, and proudly turned a circle to completely show off. Sasuke wondered when he'd found the time to get a full body tan.

Kyo grabbed in innertube and flopped on it spread-eagled, to give Yuya the best view possible. Sasuke hid his eyes and screamed.

"Oh, it burns!"

Kyo grinned. The kid just couldn't handle how much of a man he was. After all, the poor little guy spent all his time with Yukimura. Maybe when they got back, it was time to have a little man to boy talk with Sasuke. Turn him into a real man. The kid had some real potential, but Yukimura was ruining him. Stupid fairy.

Kyo was suddenly distracted by running into the patch of rapids that Yuya had been screaming warnings to him about for the past five minutes. So that's what that annoying noise had been. He'd just assumed flys, but--

He went under with a small sucking noise. Yuya screamed and stared at the water. The other three eyed the place where he'd gone down. Was this the end of Kyo?

Nope. Just the end of his swimsuit. When he bobbed back up to the surface, "..."-ing and looking slightly pissed, he was fairly nude. Not completely nude, just fairly nude. After all, that long red hair hid a lot.

At least it did until he put it up into a horsetail and flopped back onto his innertube, once more spread eagled.

Yuya fainted.


	29. REAL men

The coauthor would like to announce that she is officially a zombie now; having been killed so many times…and the author would like to announce that the word program she is using in Florida does not like the usual process we use, so I'm having to completely rewrite the chappie over again. On the plus side, the spell check actually _works_ on this compy, so no more errors!

Back home, Sasuke sat grumpily on the sofa while Yukimura examined his sun burnt, blistered shoulders.

"I told you to put on sun block! See what happens?"

Sasuke just grunted and glared, which he was very good at, and winced every time Yukimura touched his shoulders to smear on more aloe vera.

Kyo had been sitting on the front porch with a bebe gun, shooting at Shinrei whenever he tried to come up and ask for Tora. He shot at Hotaru across the street a couple times, who in turn tried to spray him with the hose a couple times, although neither had a long enough range to actually hit the other person. It was a lazy Sunday, without a cloud in the sky, save for some dark storm clouds on the horizon, promising summer storms and an excuse to take Sasuke aside and talk to him. He dozed off.

He was taken away from his nap when someone other than Shinrei walked up the front steps and onto the porch.

"Excuse me, Mr. Onime?"

He looked up at the man, clad in a tweed suit and a cowboy hat, with a hint of amusement on his face that only the people who knew him best would be able to detect. He "…"ed at the man in greeting, with a slight nod.

The man took off his hat and started explaining how the movie he had starred in had been such a hit that several toy companies wanted the rights to turn him into an action figure, and the producer wanted to make a sequel.

Kyo though about it for a moment, and replied, "They can make action figures provided they make my sexy image as sexy as possible in a plastic figurine."

The man scribbled this down in a notebook, and took several papers out of a briefcase for him to sig. Kyo signed each one of them, after skimming them for anything he would regret later.

"And the sequel, Mr. Onime?"

"Of course."

"Yes, yes, of course," the man agreed, packing up the papers. He soon departed, leaving Kyo with quite an inflated ego. He shot at Shinrei a couple times, sending him scampering into Hotaru's bushes, and subsequently sprayed rather violently with the hose.

Kyo walked in the house as the first rain drops started to fall. Yuya looked up at the sky in a dismayed fashion as Kyo walked past her without bothering to shut the door.

"Well, so much for gardening today…" She closed the door.

Tora eyed her beadily. "Good riddance! Tigers don't like flowers!" She smacked him.

Yukimura came in the room and also expressed his dismay about not being able to work in the garden today.

Kyo seized the opportunity and hijacked Sasuke and ran him up to his room before anyone downstairs, or Sasuke for that matter, could register that Kyo had just disappeared in a poof.

"What do you want, Kyo?" Sasuke whined, wincing as Kyo patted his shoulder.

"Sasuke, it's time you and I had a man-to-boy talk."

"But I'm 14! I already know about all that stuff! Yukimura told me."

Kyo's eyebrow twitched at the though of how Yukimura might have explained the mysteries of life to Sasuke, then replied, "No. Not that kind of talk. I'm going to tell you what it takes to be a REAL man."

Sasuke eyed him so beadily that Tora would be proud. "Yukimura already talked to me about that too."

"No, no, no. Not how to be REAL fairy. How to be a REAL man!"

Sasuke frowned. Somehow he knew he wasn't going to like this.

"Sit," instructed Kyo, patting a spot on his bed, and he sat in his computer chair. Sasuke suspiciously complies, glaring untrustingly at the sheets. Kyo continued, "You see, Sasuke, there comes a time in every man's life that older, more experienced man must teach him the ways of manliness. Muramasa taught me when I was your age, and now I'm going to pass on my knowledge to you."

Sasuke nodded. This might actually be useful.

"First off," Kyo stated, "No more tightey-whities. From now on, you wear boxers."

"But I LIKE my tightey-whities!" Sasuke protested.

"No more. They aren't manly enough for REAL men. You know, they make boxers in white too."

Sasuke held back his tears as he reluctantly agreed.

"Also, REAL men have full body tans. Being tan is sexy."

"But I like being pale!"

"Pale isn't sexy. I'm taking you in tomorrow to get a full body tan." He paused. "Another thing. REAL men don't use the bathroom."

Sasuke cried out, "WHAT! But I have to pee!"

Kyo shook his head. "Hold it. Using the bathroom is unmanly and unsexy. Granted, once a month you will no longer be able to hold it anymore, and then you can use the bathroom. BUT. You must leave the sear up when you are finished! This is the trademark of a REAL man."

Sasuke was too stunned to say anything to this.

"I think that's about it... Oh. One more thing. You need to find yourself a woman."

Sasuke blushed deeply and muttered, "But I'm only 14... and Yukimura said-"

"I don't care what Yukimura said. REAL men don't sleep with other men."

Sasuke protested, "But that's not what I meant!"

Kyo cut him off again. "REAL men also try to fix things that they clearly don't know how to fix. Whenever something breaks, and Dog Face tries to call a repair man, you need to tell her no, like Tora and I do, and attempt to fix it yourself."

"But last time Tora did that, he got electrocuted!"

"That's just because Tora isn't a REAL man."

"...oh."

-...-

Yukimura looked up suddenly. Something was amiss. Something was VERY amiss. Something having to do with his widdle Sasuke-chan. He interrupted Yuya by holding up his hand, and placing his fingers on his lips. Silence.

Yuya shut her mouth and listened. She could hear Sasuke's outraged voice, and a low mumble that was Kyo's reply. "Why is Kyo talking to Sasuke?"

Yukimura was no longer downstairs. He was in the hall now, because he had to protect his widdle Sasuke-chan. This wasn't just an innocent talk about the weather. No. This was something corruptive and evil, and he had to stop it before it went too far!

Kyo barely had enough time to whip around and punch Yukimura in the face when the door flew open. Sasuke scuttled under the bed and peered out as the two fought in the middle of the mess on Kyo's floor, narrowly avoiding the briefcase, almost colliding into the beer bottle tower, around the five or so boxes labeled TROJAN, over the box of aluminum foil, and between the computer wires. He had never seen Yukimura and Kyo fight each other so aggressively, not since the old days!

Yuya knew it was time she stepped in. She could hear the fighting from upstairs, and this simply would not do.

Meanwhile, Shinrei, now that Kyo was no longer guarding the front door, peered in and tried to door knob. It was unlocked. "T-Tora?"

Benitora turned around to see Shinrei, trembling and wet, with the best uke look he had ever seen.

"Shin-chan, don't you know how dangerous it is to be here? ... What do you need now?"

A sharp whistle caused the two fighting men to look up. Yuya stood in the doorway, her hair down, wearing a bra and a pair of short-shorts.

Kyo released Yukimura's neck and let him fall with a thunk, and practically floated to where Yuya stood. She grabbed the front of his shirt and led him out of the room.

Sasuke crawled out from under the bed and ran to Yukimura, who was staring where Yuya had just been standing, drooling slightly. He looked down and saw Sasuke hugging him tightly, and patted his head.

"Come, Sasuke, let's go to Starbucks."

"Really! You mean it?"

"Of course Sasuke-chan... And let's take the kittens with us!"

They walked out of the room, hand in hand, and decided to hijack Kyo's car. He deserved it, they both agreed.

Meanwhile, Yuya had lead Kyo to her room. She had him sitting on her bed, with hearts in his eyes.

"Close your eyes," she instructed. He obeyed. She walked over to her window and opened it, feeling the coolness of the wet air outside against her skin. Hotaru looked up, and immediately tried to spray her with the hose, unsuccessfully. She took Kyo's hand and led him to the window.

"Can I open my eyes yet?"

"Not yet," she cooed, and shoved him with all her might out the window.

He landed in some shrubbery, and looked up in time to see his car drive away, the driver with suspiciously bouncy, flippy hair and the passenger looking suspiciously pale. Hotaru, armed with the hose from a house that certainly wasn't his, and sprayed Kyo in the face, laughing maniacally. The rain continued to fall, and Kyo, looking like a drowned rat, plotted revenge.

Meanwhile, Tora and Shinrei snuck out the house, past Hotaru, who was too busy laughing to notice them, and down the street to take care of business.

Yuya ate ice cream in the family room, finally having the house to herself.


	30. REAL ninja

Sasuke sprinted down the stairs and paused, glaring in all directions. No sign of Kyo. He sprinted over to the bathroom.

Kyo popped out of nowhere. "REAL MEN DON'T GO TO THE BATHROOM!" he thundered. He grabbed Sasuke, who turned into a large spatula with a small pop. Kyo dropped it.

"Curse him and those ninja skills." He muttered. He stalked off to find the real Sasuke, who watched him from the upstairs hallway, then darted into the upstairs bathroom.

He was washing his hands with the scented foaming cleanser that Yuya was fond of, when his shadow in the mirror morphed and twisted into a writhing demon.

"REAL men only use bar soap! And you're coming with me to get an all-over tan!"

"NOOOOooooo! Yukimura, HELP ME!"

But Yukimura was lolling in a drunken stupor on the downstairs couch. Kyo grinned devilishly.

"I gave him a six pack of sake. Special order. He'll be out for a week."

Sasuke shrieked in terror. Just then, three people appeared from behind the hall painting. Kyo, with Sasuke slung over his shoulder, turned.

It was Saizo, Kotaro, and Mahiro, and they looked pissed.

"Kyo! What the hell are you doing! Sasuke doesn't need to be a REAL man—he needs to be a REAL ninja!"

And with that they grabbed Sasuke and disappeared in a poof.

Kyo slammed his fist against the wall. "No! That one was mine!" Then he remembered the way Yuya had been dressed the day before, and forgot all about Sasuke. He had a woman to chase.

-…-

"Now, Sasuke, forget everything Kyo told you. And the first thing you need to know is, ninja can go to the bathroom whenever they want. They can even go in the bushes if they feel like it. And as for underwear—"

All three dropped their pants. They were all wearing tightey-whities.

"Now, what cool ninja stuff can you do?"

Sasuke thought. He was sitting on the floor of Kotaro's apartment. "Well, I can do that leaf thingy."

Mahiro nodded thoughtfully. "Yeah, that's pretty cool. What else?"

"I can do a pretty mean kawarimi."

Mahiro gave a decisive nod. "Yup. Substitution is always cool. People never know where you're at."

Kotaro nodded too. "Yeah. Kawarimi. Isn't that a good technique, Saizo?"

"Er…"

"Yeah, Saizo, isn't that a good one? Kawarimi?"

"Yeah, Saizo! Isn't it?"

"SAIZO!"

Saizo cracked. "You guys know I can't pronounce that word!"

"What? What word can't you pronounce?"

"Yeah, Saizo, what was that?"

"C'mon, Saizo! What was it?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

Sasuke looked curiously at Saizo, who was curled up in fetal position and moaning after Kotaro and Mahiro's onslaught. Kotaro nudged him with his foot.

"Okay, Sasuke? You see that? REAL ninja don't do that."

"But, if Saizo isn't a REAL ninja, why is he teaching me how to be one?"

Mahiro shook her head sadly. "Sasuke, he was once a REAL ninja. He was a good one, too. But he was Yukimura's bodyguard for too many years. He's forgotten what it truly means to be a ninja."

"So, Yukimura is bad for ninja? Will I have to give him up?"

Kotaro and Mahiro conferred for a long moment. "No, but you can't hug him anymore. And when he hugs you, you have to be grumpy like you used to. See, Sasuke, you used to be on the path to REAL ninja-ness, until Yukimura got a hold of you. All young ninja instinctively follow the path to REAL ninja-ness, but some, like you, get a little lost along the way. That's when more experienced ninja have to guide him back to the way of the ninja. Listen to our teachings, and you will be not only a REAL ninja, but a TRUE ninja."

-..-

Yuya stared at the dishwasher. It was broken. How could it be broken? It was new! She slapped Kyo's hand away from where it was straying toward her chest and grabbed her cell phone. They still hadn't replaced the house phone after Bontenmaru smashed it.

"I guess I'll just have to call a repairman."

"NO!"

Kyo and Tora turned toward the kitchen door, surprised. Neither of them had had a chance to say anything.

Sasuke stood there, looking enigmatic and grumpy at the same time. Yukimura blinked.

"You don't need to call a repairman, Ne-chan. I'll fix it."

Kyo grinned and Yukimura looked like he was about to cry. Had Sasuke turned into a man after all?

Sasuke walked over to the dishwasher. He peered at it for a moment, then grabbed a hammer lying on the counter, and thwacked the dishwasher with it. It gave a thunk, a groan, and started working again.

Yuya squealed enthusiastically. Kyo and Tora's jaws dropped. "But—but REAL men don't fix anything!" Tora stuttered.

Sasuke flipped his hair over his shoulder. It had been getting long lately. "No—but REAL ninja know how to fix dishwashers."

Yukimura squeed louder than the author on a sugar rush and pounced on Sasuke to give him a hug, who looked thoroughly grumpy.


	31. Old Story

AN: This is something the author wrote ages ago and decided to stick it up with HDK.

Sasuke had only been minding his own business when he saw something terrible. His eyes went wide with horror, his mouth gaped, but no sound came out.

Yuya and Kyo were skipping. Hand in hand. In lederhosen and lederdressen.

Sasuke was sure that Yukimura had finally driven him to insanity. In fact, here came the Sanada now, just behind Kyo and Yuya. He was skipping too, but that was normal behavior for him.

"Yu- Yukimura!" yelled Sasuke. "What's going on!" Are- are those hearts! And butterflys! Kyo, you're- you're- FROLICING!"

Kyo glared at him. Yuya giggled. "I know! Doesn't he look so CUTE in lederhosen?"

"NO! He looks like a friggin' pansie!"

Yukimura somehow managed to look blissful, drunk, and admonishing all at the same time. "Now, now, Sasuke! That's not nice! Besides, look what I got for you!"

Yukimura held up a fluff of lace. Sasuke eyed it uneasily. "Wh- what's that?"

"That's your dress!"

"Dress! There isn't enough material there for a pair of frilly panties!"

Yuya smiled and did a twirl. "Well, you'd think so, but the skirt's really short, so it all works out."

Yukimura grinned. "I've got one too!"

Sasuke did the smart thing and began to back away slowly. Yukimura disappeared inside the house to change, leaving him alone with Kyo and Yuya. He eyed them uneasily for several long moments, when a pair of hands grabbed him from behind.

Yuya smiled. "Oh, Sasuke, you look ADORABLE! Doesn't he, Kyo?"

Kyo snickered. "I may look like an idiot, but at least I'm an idiot with shorts on and a girl hangin' off me. Unlike you, who has a dress on and Yukimura hangin' off you."

"Grrrrr...Yukimura?"

"Yes?"

"Will you stop hugging me! And did you have to put the bow in my hair!"


	32. Olje Fleaping

Kyo fondly eyed the lederhosen hung in the closet, remembering the good times he had had while wearing it. He had to run around dressed up in it again someday, with his five shaku feather dangling from his hat.

He was pulled out of his thoughts when Yuya opened up her door to the closet.

Yuya had found that opening up her closet door was a risky thing. Kyo often left his door open while changing, and she often got an eyeful when she wanted to change.

Not this time. This time she found Kyo looking at his lederhosen with a guilty look on his face.

He quickly spun around, leaving the lederhosen in the closet, and shut his door. Yuya stared at the back of his door. _What on earth was he doing?_ She listened for a moment, wondering what that noise was coming from the other side of the door.

"KYOOOO! What have I told you about watching porn when Yukimura and Sasuke are home?"

Kyo ignored her and turned up the volume to drown her out.

Sasuke and Yukimura could hear Kyo's porn from the living room, over the TV that had the volume up pretty high. They looked at each other.

Yukimura said, "Sasuke... you wouldn't happen to be able to use your ninja skills to do something about that…" he motioned upwards. "…would you?"

Sasuke grinned. "Watch this."

Kyo was enjoying himself, oblivious to the fact that Yuya was standing behind him, yelling at him not to do that while she was in the room, and turn the volume down at least, and oblivious to what was about to happen.

Sasuke disappeared from the couch downstairs.

Kyo turned to Yuya and said, "Well, if you don't want me doing that around you, are you gonna do it for me?"

Yuya turned bright red. "No! That's... that's just wrong Kyo!"

He stood up and proceeded to chase her around the room, while Sasuke appeared and turned the TV off and stole the tape out of the VCR. Kyo never noticed in his intent to catch Yuya.

Sasuke appeared back on the couch again, triumphantly holding the tape. Yukimura applauded, impressed. 

"Nice, Sasuke!"

Yuya shrieked from upstairs.

"Looks like he caught her," Sasuke mused. "I wonder if I should save her..."

-...-

Yukimura had been looking at his lederdressen in his own closet, with Sasuke's next to it. He could resist the urge no longer and put his on. Sasuke had just broken up what would have made his stealing of the porn tape in vain, and returned to his and Yukimura's room to see Yukimura jumping on the bed in frilly lederdressen.

Sasuke went white. No. Not again. He too felt himself being drawn to the closet by his lederdressen. Soon he, too, was jumping on the bed.

Kyo and Yuya were still sitting in Kyo's room, having been threatened by a very angry Sasuke, refusing to look at each other. Suddenly Yuya stood up and walked to the closet.

"Hey, Dogface..." Kyo said, alarmed. "Are you that mad at me..?"

However, Yuya didn't go into her room. She pulled out her lederdressen and started stripping.

"Now we're talking!" Kyo grinned, entranced. Yuya's blank face made him realize that something wasn't quite right, though. She put on her lederdressen and returned to the closet with Kyo's lederhosen and started walking towards him. Something really wasn't right. He tried to run but his lederhosen seemed to call to him... He allowed himself to be dressed in the lederhosen. Then he and Yuya walked hand-in-hand to Yukimura's room and joined them in jumping on the bed.

The front door slammed, and Benitora locked every lock Kyo had installed on it to keep Shinrei out. There was a creepy lady in lederdressen trying to catch him and make him wear lederhosen out there. She was skipping around the front yard now, and he was very threatened.

Suddenly, a voice in his head told him to go upstairs. He floated up and down the hall to his room and found a pair of golden lederhosen in his room. Of course, that was just the way the sun was shining on it, but he found himself putting it on anyway. The doorbell rang, and he joined the other members of the household in their migration downstairs to get the door.

It was the lady from outside, who curtsied, and told them in a very German accent,

"Hallo. I'm Olje Fleaping! Shall we frolic?"

They followed her out the door, frolicking all the way.


	33. Yukimura's Wish

The flyer that had turned everyone's lives upside and forever destroyed all previously held notions of gender didn't look that important lying on the floor in front of the door. In fact, Kyo almost threw it out.

Yukimura quickly rescued it.

"Oo, look! A new club is opening up in whatever city we're living in!" (AN: i'm sorry, but i just don't know anymore. they really could be anywhere at this point.)

Yuya looked excitedly over his shoulder.

"Aw, Tora has to work that night. How sad! There's such a big discount..." Dollar signs appeared in her eyes as she pulled a calculator from under her skirt and started calculating all the savings.

Sasuke peered up her skirt, puzzled. Where in the hell had that calculator come from?

Yuya turned to Kyo with a determined look. "Kyo, the flyer says that only couples are admitted. You're going with me."

"Okay."

Yuya was startled. She _should_ have immediately begun to suspect ulterior motives, but the idea of going out on a second date with him blinded her to the truth. She was just about to have a flashback about their time at the movies when--

"You wear a calculator in a thigh holster!"

Sasuke realized a moment after he'd said it that he had just alerted Yuya to the fact that he was still under her skirt. Rather unwise.

When he had recovered from her assault, (apparently, REAL ninja never fight against bounty huntress's that are beating on them. They just get pummeled. Kotaro had a weird look on his face when he said this, and Sasuke had suspicions that, unlike Tora, Kotaro may indeed be into the M side of S&M.) Sasuke shook his head and climbed onto the kitchen table. Once there, he proceeded to strip. He'd been wearing clothes all day, and he felt he deserved a break. Yukimura, who was drooling slightly at the sight, got an idea.

"Will you go with me, Sasuke?"

All activity stopped. Kyo snickered, and then climbed out the window to meet with his agent about the sequel. Hotaru popped up, looked pissed, then disappeared. Shinrei popped up, looked scared, and then disappeared. The author ran through in a very skimpy outfit, followed closely by the coauthor, who was chasing her with a dead fish. Still the tableau was still.

Finally someone moved. Sasuke climbed slowly down off the table, stood there a moment looking at nothing, and then walked upstairs without saying anything. Yukimura followed him with his eyes. Yuya blinked, and then she went upstairs too.

Yukimura started planning the outfit. Sasuke's hair was long now, so he wouldn't have to get a wig, but he really needed a short skirt to show off his thighs, and one of those shirts with the boobs built in...

And I'm stopping this here to give the coauthor the joy of writing the scene at the club.

she just might hate me for this. then again, she might love it. who can tell with her?


	34. The Preparations

Yuya had kidnapped Sasuke, along with several bottles of gel, hairspray, various hair ties, and several curling irons in an extensive array of curl sizes, fabric scraps, and a bag of her old clothes, and had locked them inside her room, warning Kyo to stay out and go get ready. The screams that came from within that room made everyone else slightly nervous, but it was the howling and smoke that flowed from under the door in ominous streams that lead to the knot forming in Yukimura's stomach. What was she doing to him in there? He tried to concentrate on brushing and curling his hair just so, so that it looked particularly flippy and bouncy. He had given Yuya the guidelines on what he had planned for Sasuke, but he knew that only Yuya, the only female inhabitant in that house, could truly make little Sasuke look like a woman.

Kyo paced in his bedroom. What would he wear? The flyer had said he should dress up a little, but what did he have? He heard Yukimura's sewing machine running earlier that morning, so he knew that the fairy had concocted some interesting outfit for himself, but... Surely Onime no Kyo could out dress Sanada Yukimura! Just like in the old days, when Kyo had clearly been sexier... He opened his closet door, wincing as the sounds from Yuya's room got louder with the door opened. He scanned his closet and forced himself to look away from the lederhosen. That would not do... He remembered what had happened LAST time he put on that lederhosen. There was the black and maroon dress shirt that Yuya was always trying to get him to wear... He supposed that would do. He pulled it out of the closet and tossed it across the room onto his bed. Next, he should probably find a sports coat to go over it... There. The black one he always wore to fancy events. He would certainly look fetching in that. With some dark grey pants. He knew he would out sexy Yukimura for sure.

Meanwhile, in another household, Okuni was frustrated trying to fasten a push-up bra. Not that her cleavage wasn't already very prominent, but she wanted to really be obnoxious tonight. That new club had opened, and she was dragging Bonten along. He was in the bathroom washing his best eye patch, dressed in what appeared to be a cape... Okuni knew she had seen it somewhere before, but she couldn't place where. She returned to trying to get the clasp to fasten, vaguely aware that the bra was too small.

Yukimura squealed in excitement at his creation. He knew Kyo would try to out sexy him, but with this... This surely couldn't be beat. It was the most awesome thing he had ever laid eyes on. Sasuke would later say it resembled the sports coat it used to be, but now it looked more like a purple sequined shrug. That with his neon green spandex shirt, and these tight pants... the vinyl ones. Oh hell yes. And these disco shoes!

Meanwhile, in Yuya's room, her handiwork was quite impressive. Sasuke's silver hair was pulled back into a clip, and his fake eyelashes made him look quite feminine. She had glittered his hair and skin, and gave him bright eye shadow. She had crafted a dress for him. She sent him out to Yukimura and got to work on getting ready herself.

Kyo caught a glimpse of Sasuke wandering by through the open door, did a double take, and had to put a hand on the wall to steady himself. Sasuke tried to ignore the insane laughter coming from Kyo's room.

An hour and a half later, Yuya was finally ready. She knocked on the closet door to let Kyo know she was done. Kyo closed out of SDKXXX and went downstairs. They huddled around the door, waiting for Kyo to get his keys. Yukimura and Sasuke wouldn't fit in Kyo's Corvette (C-AN: of course Kyo has a Corvette... he's just that bad-ass 3) so they were going to take the Honda they usually took to school. Nevertheless, Kyo still had the keys.

Kyo sauntered into the entryway with the keys, feeling quite sexy. He looked at Yukimura's intriguing outfit, but he had to admit, it did look pretty sexy. However, he had definitely won this contest. He tossed the keys to Yukimura, and Yukimura caught them gracefully with a giggle and a twirl. He led Sasuke out, and as they drove off, Dragostea Din Tei could be heard blasting on the radio.

Kyo turned to Yuya. "You should put on make up more often," he commented. "It makes you look less like something Tora threw up." She fumed, but she wondered if that was a compliment.

They drove off.

Since I am completely brain-dead as to what would further shatter all notions of gender, I leave the actual club scene to the author. Have fun!


	35. The Car

Author's Note: Ummm...I'm afraid I have bad news. (Looks around for coauthor and can't find her) Well, I guess I have to say this myself. There's no easy way to say it, so I'll just come right out with it.

We're dropping the plot. It stood us up, didn't answer our messages, and, in short, acted like a jerk. Neither the coauthor nor I know what to do with such a rude plot.

We're not sure what might happen to HDK with our plots behaving so badly, but...we'll try to march on, and hope the next few treat us better.

We'll also try to update a tad more often than once every two months. Sorry about that.

-...-

Yukimura marched up to Sasuke, who was lounging on the couch watching whales mate on the Discovery Channel.

"Sasuke!" He said, his voice carrying the import of a life-changing event.

Sasuke ignored him in favor of the whales. Yukimura huffed out an impatient breath and clicked the TV off.

"Hey--" Sasuke started to whine, but stopped when Yukimura gave him A Look. He crossed his arms over his chest and pouted, hoping to convince Yukimura to turn the whales back on.

No such luck. "Sasuke," intoned Yukimura. "This is an important time in your life. This is when you start to drive."

Sasuke perked up as Yukimura jingled the keys.

"Now, a beat up old car is not suitable for you learn on. Therefore, we will be stealing Kyo's."

Sasuke grinned, but Yukimura assumed a thoughtful face. "I wonder if he's still guarding it..."

-...-

Later That Night

Yukimura peered around the doorway to see Kyo snuggled inside the large mint-rose hybrid bush that Yukimura and Yuya had been tending. He had his sword propped up beside him, and he was staring beadily at the car. (Which, as we've discussed, he can do because his eyes aren't as squinty as Tora's. He's also better at beadying someone than Tora, or even that nurse. If he'd been in that hospital room all those chapters ago, he definitely would have won that beady contest, hands down.)

Yukimura pulled his head back inside and shook his. "Sorry, Sasuke, looks like he's still keeping guard."

Sasuke looked downcast for a moment, but than the camera zoomed in on Yukimura as he got a stern face. "We'll just have to distract him."

-...-

Hotaru, having kicked Akira out on the back lawn when he started to snore, was sleeping peacefully.

Sasuke was hanging from his ceiling.

Hotaru yawned, looking too adorable for words, and rolled over.

Sasuke snatched him.

-...-

Back at the Sanada household, Yukimura got a good grip on Hotaru, and then held him up in the open doorway. Kyo didn't turn around. Yukimura wiggled the bait. Hotaru's body flopped about as he slept still, and Kyo, catching movement from the corner of his eye, turned around.

He spotted Hotaru. His eyes narrowed.

"Get ready, Sasuke." whispered Yukimura. "He's coiling for the spring."

"RARGH!"

Yukimura dropped Hotaru as Kyo pounced on him, and he and Sasuke made a dash for the car.

-...-

Hotaru awoke to see Kyo's snarling face hovering above his.

"What?" he asked stupidly. Before Kyo had a chance to administer slaughter, however, the sound of a car engine floated in through the window.

Kyo's eyes widened. He'd been tricked! He sprang for the door.

"MY CAR!"

-...-

Yukimura leaned out the window and glanced backwards. His eyes widened in horror. "Drive faster, Sasuke!" he cried. "Kyo's catching up!"

Sasuke shifted gears (I don't know if you can do that in a Corvette, but Sasuke did) and they jumped forward.

"It's not enough!" wailed Yukimura. "He's gonna get us!"

"How fast can he run?" Growled Sasuke, exasperated. He shifted to the highest gear, and then shifted two higher. (Well, Kyo _has_ been souping up his car.)

The car suddenly disappeared with a small -pop-. Yukimura looked around, stunned.

"What happened to the car?" he demanded. Sasuke buried his face in his hands.

"This is originally based on a comic the author drew, and since she can't draw cars, she had it disappear, and now she's too lazy to write a different ending."

"Oh." said Yukimura. Then he felt an Ominous Presence behind him.

"I am _so_ not turning around." he muttered, squeezing his eyes shut. Sasuke, however, did turn around, and was therefore treated to the site of Kyo, eyes blazing and hair wild, with small lightening bolts snapping and crackling about him.

"Oh, snap."


	36. Kyo's Valentime

Kyo looked up as Yuya came into his room. She looked irritated, but nearly as irritated as she had looked when she had found Yukimura and Sasuke down the road two weeks ago.

"Kyo, I need to talk to you," she said, kicking one of the TROJAN boxes aside, noticing somewhat sheepishly that it was empty. "Yukimura and Sasuke are coming home from the hospital." She cut off Kyo's response, which she knew was about finishing their punishment. He had been muttering about that since the ambulance had carted the two off. "You will be NICE to them. In fact, come with me. You are making them an "I'm sorry card."

She dragged him away from his beer can tower, through the closet, and into her room. She pulled a pink box covered in butterfly stickers out from under her bed labeled "Crafts" on the lid. She shoved it over to him and he glared at it suspiciously. He knew he wasn't going to like this. But... "Yuya." She frowned. She knew that look, "Yes Kyo?" "What do I get if I make the card?"

Her eye twitched. This was going to be a long morning.

Meanwhile, in Tora's room, Tora was lying on his back and blushing furiously. He was on the phone with Mahiro. She hadn't talked to him since she found out about Sakuya, and Shinrei, and Kyoshiro... He had to prove to her that he was no longer interested in men. She seemed to be buying it...

That afternoon, after Yuya forced Kyo to pick up Yukimura and Sasuke, they stood in the front room, refusing to look at each other. Yuya elbowed Kyo. "Fine!" he pouted. He thrust a mass of lace, ribbon, glitter, and stickers in Yukimura's direction. He grunted and stalked out of the room. Yuya called after him in vain. He wasn't coming back. Not after this humiliation. They heard the door to his room slam shut.


	37. Duck Tape Revenge

Kyo locked the door. He would find revenge... REVENGE! No one made Onime no Kyo make I'm Sorry cards that looked like valentines (because, in fact, that was at Yuya's stern command that so much fluff and glitter had been glued onto the card)!

He could not speak to Yuya, but that would be how he acted any other day. He could... Oh. That was perfect. He unearthed a roll of duct tape from the mass of stuff littering his floor, opened his closet door, and got to work.

Early the next morning, seeing as break was over and Yuya needed to go back to school, she woke up as her alarm started going off, snoozed it, and yawned. She stretched and headed off to the shower, seeing as she hadn't had time to take one the night before. She would have to hurry because likely Sasuke would want one too. 15 minutes later, she ran across the hall in her towel into her room and soundlessly shut the door.

Kyo, being what he is, heard her run across the hall and shut her door. He lay awake in his dark room, listening. That rustling sound would be Yuya finishing drying off. That thump would be her tossing the towel on the back of her chair to dry. Normally he would give her his "good morning grope" here, but if he didn't, she wouldn't question it due to last night's events. Now he heard her walking to the closet door. The door knob rattled. And rattled. And rattled some more.

He braced his sensitive ears for what he knew was coming next: something that would wake the entire household. Right on cue, a high-pitched scream shattered the early morning silence like dropping fine china on a concrete floor. "KYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

He remained silent. He could hear her violently trying again to open her closet door to no avail. She was just no match fore an entire roll of duct tape keeping the door shut. He grinned, the first rays of light of dawn glinting off his teeth in a decidedly evil fashion. That fwoosh sound was Yuya wrapping the towel back around her, and then her door opened, and she stomped the few steps to Kyo's door. He heard Tora's sleepy, "Wash goin' on?" and could almost hear Yukimura and Sasuke give a quizzical "...?" in unison. She pounded on his door furiously.

"KYOO! OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW!" He ignored her. Served her right. "Kyo, I swear if you don't come out here RIGHT NOW, I will break your door down- do you hear me!?" He sighed and got up. He opened the door wide. "..." Yuya went red as she shrieked, "Kyooo! Put some pants on first!" He looked at her, holding back his characteristic grin when he was teasing her. "You wanted me to open the door right now, didn't you? I didn't have time to get dressed."

Her face was almost purple. "I HATE YOU!" and with that, she stormed back into her room. The door slammed shut behind her. A dish downstairs fell off the counter and shattered. He looked out into the hall at the three faces staring at him. He raised an eyebrow and stared at Tora until he squeaked and hurried back into his room. He glared indifferently at Yukimura and Sasuke before turning around and going back into his room. Revenge was a sweet, sweet thing.

-------

Later that day, after Mahiro had come over to loan her uniform to Yuya (Mahiro graduated with everyone else last year), Yuya motioned to Yukimura to follow her out the door. "Yukimura," she whispered, "you want revenge on Kyo for beating you to a bloody mess?" He nodded. "Well," she continued, "I have a plan that only you and Sasuke can carry out..." His face lit up. "I'm in!" he eagerly whispered. Yuya went on, "I drugged the sake in the kitchen. As long as you stay out of it, Kyo will drink it and go to his room, where he will pass out due to the drugs. He will lock himself in. You remember that briefcase on his floor?" Yukimura nodded. "Good. Now, what I want you to do is..."

--------

It was around noon. Sasuke had stayed home with a mild fever, so Yukimura claimed, and Kyo was in no mood to socialize with them. He pulled a bottle of sake out of the kitchen cupboard, noticing that Yukimura had left the trap door open to the basement. He glared at the door and it shut, quivering. He was in a particularly foul mood, for no particular reason. He was Kyo. He didn't need a reason. He opened the sake bottle and took a long swig of it, not noticing it tasted slightly different. He yawned and decided that more sake would wake him up. He drained the bottle. He felt so sleepy suddenly. A nap couldn't hurt anything, so he dragged himself up the stairs to his room and flopped on his bed, where he immediately lost consciousness.

Yukimura heard Kyo's door shut from his position in a tunnel behind the wall. He looked to Sasuke. "You ready?" Sasuke nodded, eager to get his revenge on Kyo. They followed the tunnel down a bit in a path towards Kyo's room. He pointed to a square on the ceiling on the tunnel. Sasuke nodded again, and climbed the ladder on the wall up to the square. He paused and listened for Kyo, and started fiddling with latches when he heard snoring. The square opened into Kyo's room. He and Yukimura emerged from the briefcase positioned at the foot of Kyo's bed. His room was darkened due to his blinds being closed and a blanket stapled over the window. Their eyes adjusted to the gloom and they took in their surroundings. Beer can tower, computer, Saran wrap boxes, rolls of duct tape, other suspicious boxes marked TROJAN, clothes, and, of course, Kyo, half off his bed, drooling and snoring loudly. Yukimura handed Sasuke one of the rolls of duct tape, and Sasuke nodded a final time. He knew what to do, and he would do his job well. 

Meanwhile, Yukimura tiptoed carefully over the cluttered floor to the closet, where he utilized a bottle of Goo-Gone on the mess over Yuya's door.

----------------

Kyo opened his eyes slowly. He didn't know how long he had been asleep, but his whole body felt heavy and stiff. He tried to move his legs, and realized... He COULDN'T move his legs. Or his arms for that matter. He tried to look around, just barely able to move his head. His eyes adjusted to the darkness of his room and stared down at his floor. Puzzled, he looked at his body. He realized in horror that he had been wrapped in duct tape from neck to toe, and taped to his ceiling. 

Kyo's loud and agitated "...!" shook the house. Yukimura and Sasuke reported to Yuya, who nodded approvingly at them. Revenge was a sweet, sweet thing.


	38. The Sexy Figurine

Kyo frowned at the small figurine he held in his hand.

"Is this as sexy as he could make it?" he growled.

The agent shifted nervously. "Well, no, but..."

He squeaked as Kyo began advancing toward him. "But, Mr. Onime, we can't use the original model! It--it was just too sexy!"

He sighed in relief as Kyo stopped advancing.

"Show me."

-...-

The agent led him down several dark hallways, through several locked doors, and down several stairs. The traveled through the temple of doom and ended up in the restaurant at the end of the universe. They ordered some hamburgers, ate them, and then left. They came to a large, arched doorway. The agent punched in a code, scanned his retina, punched in another code, scanned his thumb, punched in a third code, scanned his tongue, then punched in a final code before submitting a hair for DNA analysis. Exactly two minutes later, the duration of which Kyo stared at the agent balefully, the door opened. They stepped through onto a small platform. With a whirring of motors, it extended itself into a walkway, taking them out to a small box hung suspended in the center of the space.

"Very X-Men." said Kyo approvingly.

The agent reached for the box, and turned his face away as he opened it slowly. Kyo leaned in to look, shielding his eyes from the bright rays of light emanating from inside the box. He gasped. Slowly reaching in, he carefully lifted the figurine out and cradled it gently in his hands, gazing at it in rapture. The agent still had his face turned away.

"You see why we can't put this model on the market, Mr. Onime. It's just too powerful."

"We use this one." said Kyo abruptly. He laid it back in the box and snapped the like shut. The light disappeared.

"Do you have any idea what the consequences would be?" squeaked the agent. "That figuring--it's just too sexy! Don't you realize what will happen?"

Kyo grinned, slowly. "Yeah. Fangirls."

-...-

Kyo groaned and rolled over. The clamor outside his window continued. He threw his pillow angrily.

"What the HELL?" snarled Yuya from her room. The closet door flew and open and she stormed in, followed closely by Tora, Sasuke, and Yukimura.

"Kyo!" steamed Yuya. "Why the hell are there fangirls on the lawn?"

Kyo gave a long sigh, then reached under his bed and pulled out a shoebox.

"And what are those lights in the windows--" Yuya stopped. Small beams of light were escaping the shoebox.

"Kyo..." she said slowly." What's in the box?"

Kyo took off the lid, and the four crowded around blinking.

Yuya fainted. Tora gasped. Yukimura hearted. Sasuke shrugged.

Kyo leveled a glare at Sasuke, who just shrugged again.

"Wow." breathed Yukimura.

Tora tried to revive Yuya. "Yuya-han?"

Yukimura stared at Kyo. "Kyo, I--I had no idea. That's--That's--it's so SEXY!" He collapsed in a puddle of fangirl. Sasuke snuck over to the shoebox. He pulled the lid off and peered in.

"It's just a plastic figurine." he muttered. Kyo glared at him again.

"Kyo!" cried Tora, distressed. "I can't wake up Yuya-han!"

Kyo grunted and walked sullenly over to Yuya and crouched down beside her head. He leaned down over her and blew on her neck. Tora turned bright red.

"Hey--" he started. Just then, Yuya's eyes fluttered open. She turned her head weakly toward Kyo. He gave her a toothy grin.

"Heh."

She slapped him, leaving a red handprint similar to the one on Sasuke's rear.

"Feisty." Kyo purred. She was about to slap him again when Sasuke distracted them all by biting the head off the figurine. The three in the room who weren't puddle stared at him. Sasuke turned his head and spat it out.

"What _is_ that?" whispered Tora. A bright glow spilled from the neck of the toy. Sasuke tilted it upside down--and a swarm of fruit flies spilled from it, crawling over each other and buzzing quietly. Three horrified screams rang out. Yukimura gurgled.

"Pheromones." said Sasuke authoritatively. "I'd stake my life on it."


	39. Tighty Whities

Yuya was at Wal-Mart, pushing her cart amongst the clothing. She turned where she needed to go… Men's Underwear. She pictured Kyo's grinning face from this morning… _You know what kind I like._ What the heck was _that_ supposed to mean? She looked at all the brands of men's underwear, each showing a muscular abdomen with a disturbing lump in front. She though to herself, _Maybe this is to make men think that they will look like that if they wear this underwear…_ She shuddered. She did NOT need to be thinking about that kind of thing.

She looked at all the brands and styles, frustratedly realizing that she did NOT know what kind of underwear Kyo liked. "Kyo needs to buy his own underwear!" she muttered. She spotted the tighty whities, and a demented smile crept across her face. She tossed a package in Kyo's size into the cart.

--

Kyo dug through the Wal-Mart bag, looking for his new underwear he had told Yuya to buy. In horror, he realized the tighty whities in the bag were in _his_ size rather than Sasuke's. "WOMAN!!"

Yuya raised an eyebrow at him from the doorway of the kitchen. "You called?"

"REAL men don't wear tighty whities!" he bellowed.

Yuya's eye twitched. "Then buy your own underwear!" She spun around and marched out of the kitchen.

Kyo turned around when Sasuke tugged on his shirt. "You know, Kyo, if you don't want them, they might fit me…."

This somehow fed Kyo's competitive side. "No…. These are mine." Sasuke's eyes widened.

"Wha--??" He watched, bewildered, as Kyo protectively held the package to his chest and walked out of the room with it.

--

Yuya was sitting in her room, doodling idly on the notes she was supposed to be studying. She heard Kyo in his own room rustling something, then heard a SNAP, followed by Kyo cursing under his breath. She frowned. _That sounded distinctively like the snap fan elastic waistband…_ she thought. She shrugged it off. There was no wacky would be trying on the underwear she had bought today. She went back to trying to study her notes. It wasn't working, so she gave up and headed downstairs to watch TV.

Kyo was standing in front of his mirror on his closet door, analyzing the way the tighty whities looked on him. "They're a little snug," he commented, pulling at the waistband some more. "I feel constricted in these!" He tugged at the front of them. He frowned one last time and put his pants back on. Then he headed downstairs to harass Yuya.

He found Yuya sitting on the couch, watching a follow-up documentary about fish. "We've discovered something new about the effects of nets on fish!" Yamada Sasuke said excitedly. "When there is a hole in the net, the fish escape!" Yamada Reiji finished. Sasuke added, "We think this new knowledge will forever change the fishing industry." Kyo's eyebrow twitched, but he sat down on the couch next to Yuya anyway.

"Hey Kyo."

"Hey Flat-Chest." He avoided the shoe she threw at him.

Sasuke came in the room to find Kyo and Yuya wrestling on the couch. He thought he noticed something, and stared at Kyo's butt. "Kyo," he said finally. Kyo looked up with a mildly irritated look on his face. "Those tighty whities would look so much better on me."

Yuya's jaw dropped. "Kyoooo??? You're wearing tighty whities? I wanna see!"

Kyo's face lit up. "Only if I get to see yours!" They both started stripping. Sasuke left the room in disgust.

--

Sasuke had informed Yukimura of the pair in the living room and inquired what they should do about it. "Just let them be," Yukimura advised the little ninja, "This isn't something you should interrupt. Kyo is learning about the joys of tighty whities." He took a long swig of sake, and grinned at Sasuke. Sasuke knew that look. He ran from the kitchen, leaving Yukimura alone with his sake. Yukimura pouted. "Awww, widdle Sasuke-Chan doesn't want to play dress-up?"

--

Some time later, Benitora came into the kitchen. "Yukimura," he said, face twisted in confusion. "Why are Kyo and Yuya sitting on the couch in their underwear?"

"You're missing something, Tora," Yukimura said dramatically. "**Kyo is wearing tighty whities!!**" Benitora's face paled before he ran screaming from the kitchen. Yukimura shrugged and went back to his sake.

--

A few hours later, Sasuke ventured back into the kitchen. He had just seen something disturbing, and he suspected Yukimura had something to do with it. "Yukimura!" he demanded. "Why is Tora in a fetal position in the hall closet?" Yukimura didn't answer. "Yukimura?" The older man suddenly looked up.

"Oh, Sasuke! You _did_ want to play dress up!" Sasuke didn't have a chance to scream before Yukimura pounced.


	40. ATG

I decided to start something for the Alaska chapter...

It wasn't the fact that Yukimura had gotten a new bizarre package that annoyed Yuya. It wasn't even the fact that the "This side up" label was pointing at the ground. She could even let the fact that the doorbell rang at 3 AM for someone to sign for the package slide. It was the weird noises wafting out from inside the box that irritated her. As Yukimura, in skin-tight pajama bottoms and a matching baggy button-up pajama shirt somehow managed to dart down the stairs and into the front porch even before the delivery man had made it back to his truck, Yuya positioned herself in front of him, arms crossed.

"And just WHAT is it that you've ordered this time?"

Yukimura's eyes were bright as he cooed at the box, which cooed back at him. "I got a really good deal on an ATG!"

Yuya's eyebrow twitched. "...ATG?" She stared suspiciously at the rather large box.

He pulled a boxcutter from a back pocket, a feat that should have been impossible due to how tight they were, and got to work on the tape bindings of the box. "Yeah... An All-Terrain-Giraffe!"

He missed the look she game him, being so engrossed in his work, and had he not been wearing flame-retardednt pajamas, his shirt would have caught on fire. Kyo would be proud. "And WHERE on earth did you get an All-Terrain-Giraffe?" She should have known better than to ask a question like this. She should have been fully prepared for the answer she got.

"G-Bay, of course! Your one-stop source for giraffes! "

She was on a roll, and she asked another question she should have known better than to have asked. "What the heck would you want an ATG for, anyway!?"

He had managed to open up the box, and he stood on his toes to peer inside. He boosted himself up and toppled head-first into the box. She could hear his voice from inside, "But just think of how useful an ATG would be! I don't know why we never got one before!"

Yuya didn't get a chance to ask any more questions because the rest of the household had made its way downstairs.

Sasuke groggily asked, "Oh, you got that giraffe thing? The one they found in a secret lab in Russia left over from the Cold War?"

Yuya cried, "What!? That can't possibly be legal!"

Yukiura peered over the top of the box. "It isn't. I got it on Black Market G-Bay! You know, where you type in 'black market' into the search box and a window asking for a password comes up..."

Kyo nodded appreciatively. "I always knew you had an account on Black Market G-Bay."

Tora peered into the box and gasped in awe. His eyes almost opened in his surprise. "Oh, Yukimura... She's _beautiful_!"

Yuya left the room in disgust. She made a mental note for the nth time that men are stupid.

-----

Yuya had managed to go back to sleep, but was woken back up again at about 7:30 by a strange noise. I mean a REALLY strange noise. It was so strange, I couldn't even begin to describe it. She narrowed her eyes in such a fashion that Tora would be proud of. She got out of bed, marched down the hall, and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw what was coming up the stairs.

It was vaguely giraffe-like. It was yellow with brown spots and had a long neck. But that was where the similarities stopped. Instead of legs, it had tank treads. A pair of fuzzy dice hung from its neck. It had one of those furry Russian hats perched on its head. A key jutted out of the ignition in its side, and the handlebars protruding from its neck defied explanation.

As it came closer, she shrieked and jumped out of the way, and it continued down the hall. Now she could see a screen displaying a map on the base of its neck, and Yukimura, on the thing's back, was peering at it closely. There was another screen higher up on its neck, showing where the thing was headed. He was wearing a giraffe-print seatbelt. Yukimura and the ATG disappeared into his and Sasuke's room.

A few minutes later, she nervously tapped on the door. A loud mooing made her yelp and jump back. Yukimura called out, "Don't worry... That was just Bubbles. You scared her!"

Yuya was fully awake now, and knew better than to question as to who Bubbles was.

"Uhh... can I come in?" she timidly asked, trying not to startle the giraffe any more. A heart made its way under the door and floated up in front of her face before popping in a burst of pink wetness, like a water balloon. She took this as an okay. She entered the room, and found Yukimura nuzzling the ATG and being nuzzled back by it. Sasuke was sitting on his little bed, trying not to look jealous that he wasn't being nuzzled too and failing miserably.

Awkward silence went by, until she finally managed, "So... What all does it do?"

Yukimura beamed. "You see, she comes with a periscope head, GPS, internet access, optional manual transmission, a pleather saddle, tank treads, fuzzy dice, a furry Russian hat thing, laser beam eyes, custom paint, and she glows in the dark!" He nuzzled the giraffe even more, and it looked pleased by this. "She has some pretty nifty features too... She can turn into a snow plow, and she has a bubble that forms around her for underwater travel. Somewhere on her, she even has a coffee maker and an emergency lawyer."

Yuya furrowed her brow. "You said... Emergency lawyer?"

Yukimura nodded. "You know, for when you're about to die and you haven't written up your will yet..."

She frowned. "Ahuh."

" Oh, that reminds me. Sasuke-Chan!"

Sasuke looked at him, still failing to hide his pout.

"We're leaving this weekend to go find the Holy Grail." Yukimura hearted repeatedly at this.

"What, again? Didn't we just do that last weekend?"

" Now now now, Sasuke... We're searching Alaska this time. We've already checked France, and it wasn't there, and Belgium, Great Britain, Germany, Amsterdam, Spain, and Italy. The next logical place to search is Alaska."

Sasuke nodded after a moment. "Okay, I see what you mean."

Yuya snuck out of the room before any more of her brain cells died.


	41. Alaska Part 1

Coauthor's note: I think my writing skills are rusty o.o

"Yukimura, I'm cold." Sasuke shivered and snuggled in closer to Yukimura.

"You're the one who wouldn't wear anything other than your short shorts, and I told you Alaska is cold this time of year!"

"But these are lined in goat fur! I bought them when we were in Greece!" He shivered some more. "And I think I'm getting icicles in places where there should never be icicles."

Yukimura sighed. "Do I need to give you my spare coat?" He felt Sasuke nod on his back. He brought the All-Terrain-Giraffe to a stop, which they were riding like a motorcycle across a frozen lake. He hopped off and opened a compartment in the ATG's side. A man's head popped out.

"Are my services needed?" Sasuke leapt off the ATG.

"No, you stupid lawyer! Get back in there!"

Yukimura patted the lawyer's head reassuringly. "Now now, Sasuke, be nice to the emergency lawyer! We might need him someday"The lawyer began to purr and rubbed his head against Yukimura's hand. "Lawyer, could you get me my other coat?"

The lawyer disappeared back into the ATG's side. A moment later, he returned with a giant purple furry mass that could be called a coat if you used your imagination. Yukimura took the coat, thanked the lawyer, and closed the compartment on the lawyer's head. He handed the coat to Sasuke, who took it, almost reluctantly. He felt like an idiot wearing it, but at least he was warmer.

They got back on the ATG. "You know, that lawyer gives me the creeps." Sasuke glanced suspiciously at the compartment door.

The ATG started again with a quiet moo.

A few hours later, Yukimura felt Sasuke prod him in the side.

"What's up?"

"Yukimura, I think the wind is picking up." Sasuke could feel the wind on his exposed thighs, yet they weren't cold, because Sasuke's thighs simply did not get cold. How else could he manage to wear short shorts at all times of the year?

Yukimura thoughtfully looked at the ominous clouds starting to block out the late afternoon sun. "Indeed, Sasuke, I think we have a blizzard coming on! We should go find shelter somewhere."

"But where? There's nothing around us but trees, and trees, and that cave, and trees-" He stopped suddenly and eyed the cave they were passing. His ninja senses told him that cave was a bad, bad idea. He noticed Yukimura looking at the cave as well.

"I get the feeling that that cave is a bad, bad idea," Yukimura mused, "but what choice do we have? I know you can brave out a blizzard in a tree, but where are Bubbles and I supposed to go?" He started steering the ATG towards the cave.

The ATG mooed in alarm. The wind was pushing them, it was blowing so hard, and the snow was coming down so thickly that they could hardly see the entrance to the cave. Bubbles seemed to understand that the cave was their only hope, so it reluctantly carried them into the cave.

Within minutes, enough snow had piled up to cover half of the entrance to the cave. Yukimura made a mental note that they would have to try out the drill feature of the ATG when the blizzard died down.

Sasuke sniffed the air. "Why does it smell like Bontenmaru's old dorm room in here?"

Yukimura, who had often partied with Kyo and Bon during Bon's college days, noticed incredulously that the cave did indeed smell masculine, musty, almost furry, and decidedly like B.O.

The snow had covered the entrance completely now, and the only light came from the screens on the ATG's neck.

The little ninja lowered his voice and barely managed to whisper, "And why does that sound like Bontenmaru's snoring?"

They looked at each other in the dim electronic light. Yukimura whispered back, "I didn't tell you this earlier, since I didn't want to scare you-" Sasuke snorted. "But the GPS has been unable to figure out where the heck we are for some hours now."

Sasuke, who normally did not fear anything save what went on in his own household, especially Kyo's room, suddenly began to be afraid.

He stuttered. "You don't think it might be... A yeti?"

Before Yukimura could answer, the snoring stopped with a loud snort, and they knew they were about to find out.

I'm feeling rather braindead. The author can continue this XD

-…-

Author here: …And so I did.

Sasuke pulled his sword out from underneath his short-shorts. Yukimura put on his angry face.

And something shuffled out from the back of the cave. Something tall, hairy, and scratching at its danger zone.

It was Bontenmaru. Sasuke started to relax, but Yukimura poked at him and hissed.

"No, Sasuke! Bontenmaru is extremely irritable when he's woken from hibernation! Stay on your toes."

Sasuke nodded and kept his sword up. They watched Bontenmaru shuffle past them and open a small fridge, taking out a beer. He slammed the fridge shut and went deeper into the cave. A moment later they could hear the sound of penguin schoolgirl porn drifting through the cave. A moment after that they heard snores again.

Sasuke finally relaxed and slipped his sword back up his shorts, an action that made Yukimura blush.

"I guess we'll just have to wait out the storm. However will we keep warm?" Yukimura purred. Sasuke shrugged.

It turns out that penguin schoolgirl porn helps.


End file.
